14 June 2009

AJOTW / No. 2

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ITEM: Earlier in the week court jester David Letterman included Alaska Govenor Sarah Palin on his "Top Ten List". Number 2 was as follows: she "bought makeup from Bloomingdale's to update her slutty flight attendant look." Palin was in New York with her 14-year old daughter, Willow, and was doing charity work. She and her daughter also attended a Yankees baseball game with the serial womanizer Rudy Giuliani. Letterman also joked that her daughter got "knocked up" by Alex Rodriguez, a player. In reponse Palin said this: "I doubt he'd ever dare make such comments about anyone else's daughter... laughter incited by sexually perverted comments made by a 62-year-old male celebrity aimed at a 14-year-old girl is not only disgusting, but it reminds us some Hollywood-N.Y. entertainers have a long way to go in understanding what the rest of America understands - that acceptance of inappropriate sexual comments about an underage girl, who could be anyone's daughter, contributes to the atrociously high rate of sexual exploitation of minors by older men who use and abuse others."



[SCENE: Bus Stop]

[SITUATION: TH2 sitting on bench, waiting. His Sampersness arrives 15 minutes later]

TH2: You're late again.

MR. SCAMPERS: Relax. I had a previous appointment.

TH2: It seems we have a repeating theme. Letterman effectively extolled the same thing as Guy Cimbalo, Jackass No. 1.

MR. SCAMPERS: Yup. Child rape was advocated by this weeks jackass.

TH2: Moreover, have you ever noticed that, ever so gradually, comedians are starting to make jokes about children and sex, about child molestation. Not only this, more and more jokes are being made about bestiality, necrophilia and other perversions.

MR. SCAMPERS: You said it. The worse part is that their audiences, like a herd of slimy seals, are clapping and laughing at these abominations.

TH2: Do you think there is any other motivation for Letterman's remarks?

MR. SCAMPERS: Palin is an existential threat to the radical left wing ideology to which Letterman and his brown nosing celebrity friends subscribe. She is conservative, successful, pro-family, pro-life, endorses the free market, a crack shot - and she is a delicious honeypot. The hags of the womens lib movement do not like this at all. Another Anita Bryant has come back to haunt them.

TH2: Palin, you know, was born into a Roman Catholic family, but now has joined some Protestant Church.

MR. SCAMPERS: Well, nobody's perfect...

[SITUATION: Mr. Scampers looks down street and sees approaching bus]

MR. SCAMPERS: Do you have a $20 bill? Can I see one?

TH2: Why?

MR. SCAMPERS: Just give me one. I want to show you something.

[SITUATION: TH2 gives $20 bill to Mr. Scampers. Bus arrives at stop. Mr. Scampers scampers onto bus. Bus drives away. TH2 is astonished]

TH2: Blast! Foiled again by the notorious Mr. Scampers.



11 June 2009

MSS / No. 10

Great Scott! Eureka! I found it!

For years Mr. Scampers has been searching far and wide for the origins of the modern emergence of that plague called "liturgical dancing". What, I often ruminated, was the inspiration for these babybooming dilettantes? But, at last, a very reliable and unnamed source has indicated to yours truly that the video below (just a portion), produced by those in the upper echelon of this heretical community, is the prime brainwashing tool used for these modern weirdos. My presentiments were correct. It turns out that, like many heresies, its origins are from the Far East. The leader of this movement goes by the secret code name: "P-Low: The Skillful Abbot". Vigilance, peoples, vigilance... and have you ever wondered why these frolicking fruit cakes are, not only ridiculous, but also bizarre, surreal? Well, the video below explains everything. Spread the word.

Mr. Scampers was so enthralled with his amazing discovery of the origins of this heretical sect that he was inspired to compose the following poem. It is called...


O liturgical dancers
Weirdos and silly prancers
My name is the great Mr. Scampers.

Fruit cakes they do frolic
Babyboomer, homely and bucolic
Dost thou know not it looks psychotic?

Docetism they know not
In the old'n days they'd be shot
Methinks thou smoke alot of pot.

An offence to God
Mistakenly deemed mod
But really thou art a fraud.

Never made it in show biz
Buffoons therefore they is
Cuz petty celebrity doth thou seek.

'Round altars they swirl
Unknowing that people dost hurl
Upon witness tis vulgar display.

They jump and twirl and sway
In a homosexual way
Run away, run away, run away.

Mockery thou dost make
Go home and bake a cake
You ridiculous gnostic flake.


TH2 Note:
Pope Benedict XVI wrote: "Dancing is not a form of expression for the Christian liturgy. In about the third century, there was an attempt in certain Gnostic-Docetic circles to introduce it into the liturgy. For these people, the Crucifixion was only an appearance... Dancing could take the place of the liturgy of the Cross, because, after all, the Cross was only an appearance. The cultic dances of the different religions have different purposes - incantation, imitative magic, mystical ecstasy - none of which is compatible with the essential purpose of the liturgy as the 'reasonable sacrifice' ".
From (then) Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, The Spirit Of The Liturgy, trans. J. Saward (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 2000), p. 198.


06 June 2009

AJOTW / No. 1

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ITEM: Over the course of this week the internet was buzzing with a vile posting on the Playboy website by a certain Guy Cimbalo [PROFANITY WARNING]: Obama promised us the dream of post-partisanship - a cuckoo land where party affiliation and factional animosity were forgotten. Turn on cable news or open any newspaper, however, and you’ll quickly discover that the dream has yet to materialize. But there is a way to reach across the aisle without letting principles fall by the wayside. We speak, naturally, of the hate f--k. We may despise everything these women represent, but goddammit they’re hot. Let the healing begin. A total of 10 prominent conservative women were on Cimbalo's wish list for sexual violence, including: Dana Perino, Peggy Noonan, Megyn Kelly, Mary Katherine Ham, Michelle Malkin, Laura Ingraham, Pamela Geller, Michele Bachmann and Amanda Carpenter. On Elisabeth Hasselbeck, conservative host for The View, Cimbalo wrote: She’s the clean-cut American sweetheart who elicits our filthiest thoughts. Endlessly perky, this golden goddess probably has her Catholic school uniform still in the closet, and she wouldn’t mind putting it on before taking it off for a session of sweaty, anti-American hate f--king. The post was removed by the pornographic website after complaints from conservatives.



[SCENE: Dilapidated bar]

[SITUATION: TH2 waiting at table… 10 minutes later His Sampersness arrives from the upper level of the bar]

TH2: You’re late, Mr. Scampers. I wasn't aware that you were already here. What were you doing up there?

MR. SCAMPERS: Relax. Have a cheese sandwich. Drink a glass of cream soda. Do some…

TH2: So, Scamps, what do ya think?

MR. SCAMPERS: What do you mean “what do I think” ?

TH2: I make reference to the aforementioned item, delineated just below the poster, regarding the recent controversy actuated by the vulgar vociferations of Guy Cimbalo, writer for Playboy Online… Jackass Number 1.

MR. SCAMPERS: Spare me your ridiculous linguistic acrobatics.

TH2: Ya… almost as ridiculous as your name.

MR. SCAMPERS: Such rapier wit! Watch your mouth with me, punk, or else I’ll…

TH2: Is that your head, or did you inhale a tank of hydrogen gas to recreate the Hindenburg disaster?

MR. SCAMPERS: Why… you unfunny buffoon, I outta…

TH2: Please answer the question, Mr. Scampers. Did you even read about the incident?

MR. SCAMPERS: Yes, I did… Well, it’s obvious. This Cimbalo guy… this depraved slug, advocated the raping of prominent conservative women. Had he directed that wicked diatribe to any of the liberal honeypots out there in the media, well… that would have been the end of him.

TH2: The end?

MR. SCAMPERS: Look at it this way, you tool: Had not any conservative commentators called out the vulgarians at Playboy on the matter, the article would not have been retracted from their website. They would have gotten away with it. Gloria Steinem and her fellow feminist fossils at NOW said nothing until asked to by Hasselbeck. In general, no condemnation from the left wingnut media.

TH2: Yes, it’s the whole double standard thing again, repeated ad infinitum. It’s fair game to denigrate and vilify conservatives. But if excoriation is directed to any liberal, then that would have been a media spectacular, and…

MR. SCAMPERS: Obviously, Sherlock. But what is new here is the degree of violence and hatred expressed in Cimbalo’s verbiage. The fact that this degenerate was nonchalantly and formally writing about this evil for this so-called “classy” of pornographic outfit is the disturbing part.

TH2: So much for Playboy’s “liberation” for women.

MR. SCAMPERS: You said it. But really, this abominable incident was inevitable, and would have occurred sooner or later. Slippery slope… permit one thing, then another, and it’s too late by the time the oblivious really become aware of the level of moral degradation involved. It’s all tied in with the hedonistic philosophy promoted that pathetic founder of Playboy.

TH2: Hugh Hefner. He’s getting pretty old now. It’s ZERO HOUR. Time’s almost up.

MR. SCAMPERS: Man-o-man, is this viagara-induced dinosaur in for a surprise when he finally does croak. Cimbalo, too, if he were to drop dead after enacting out whatever sadistic perversion that preoccupies his mind.

TH2: You mean God’s judgment… the eternal destination of his soul… the possibility of Cimbalo going to Hell?

MR. SCAMPERS: No, I mean a late night stop off at Wendy’s for a flame broiled burger.

TH2: You seem to have the propensity to already know that some souls are in, or are going, to Hell.

MR. SCAMPERS: Be more specific, moron.

TH2: I am referring to MSS No. 1 and MSS No. 8.

MR. SCAMPERS: The purpose of those posts, you boorish schmuck, is literally to “scare the Hell out of ” people. Get it?

TH2: Justice must be tempered with mercy. Justice will be administered, to be sure. But Roman Catholicism says it impossible for us to know the true disposition of a soul. Recall St. Faustina and Our Blessed Lord, His Divine Mercy is “unfathomable”. We must love our enemies, pray for them, even for Cimbalo the vicious misogynist. It is the command of the Lord of History.

MR. SCAMPERS: Yes, yes. You are correct. But I don’t have to like them.

TH2: Remember, hydrogen head, St. Augustine was a Manichean sensualist. He liked the ladies, in an antinomian way. But then, by God’s grace, he was transformed. St. Monica, his mum, prayed many years for his conversion.

MR. SCAMPERS: That’s right. Before his conversion he did have a hankering for those Mesopotamian muffins.

TH2: And then God’s mercy… so also does this apply to the wretch Guy Cimbalo.

MR. SCAMPERS: Umm… ahh… I have to go now…

[SITUTATION: Mr. Scampers quickly departs premises. Waiter arrives at table.]

WAITER: That’ll be 114 dollars and 23 cents.

TH2: For what?

WAITER: The guy with the head said you would cover for the beer and pickled eggs he just voraciously consumed on the upper level.

TH2: Shafted again by my Arch Nemesis.



03 June 2009

MSS / No. 9

Considering the continuing ecumenical dialogue between Roman Catholics and our Protestant bretheren, Mr. Scampers figured that he, too, must do his part so as to help heal the breach with our heretical confreres. After a fortnight of rumination, and a couple of cartons of cigarettes, I was suddenly inspired with the concept of creating Christmas cards. These cards, with ameliorating messages, could be sent from Catholics to their Protestant friends. Mr. Scampers is quite confident that he has struck the right balance between advocating the principles of orthodox Catholicism but still maintaining that so-called “openness” to the spiritual descendants of Luther, Calvin and Henry VIII. Below are the fruits of my industrious labors (feel free to download, best print quality on glossy paper).

Disclaimer: The Heresy Hunter (TH2) does not necessarily endorse, approve or assent to the ideations, articulations, ruminations, expurgations, cogitations or castigations as disseminated by Mr. Scampers. Any perceived similarities between views expressed in TH2 postings and the expostulations of Mr. Scampers are purely coincidental.


02 June 2009


LINKS TO POSTS = bolded red text

8 February 2009
8 April 2009-------------Rev. Stanley L. Jaki, O.S.B. (1924-2009) 
10 April 2009------------Easter Message 2009 
15 August 2009---------Paganism on the Rise: 40th Anniversary of Woodstock
30 September 2009-----Prelude to a Historical Echo
31 October 2009--------Vietnam Embassy Confers "Uncle Ho" Awards
5 November 2009-------Under Psychedelic Skies Do Babyboomers Arise
6 November 2009-------Blogger Takes on Moloch Worshippers
25 December 2009------Christmas Message 2009
31 December 2009------Desperate Hours

21 January 2010
--------War of 1812 Redux
23 January 2010--------Funerals in Contrast 
30 January 2010--------Convergences
5 February 2010--------HOV Layne Mannequin
14 February 2010-------Stalk 'em Out, Hunt 'em Down
17 February 2010 ------Murderers
18 February 2010 ------Static Visual Demonstrations
22 February 2010-------Global Climate Problem Resolved
1 March 2010------------Sports as Religion
17 March 2010-----------Caveman Poetizing
20 March 2010-----------The View from Afar
28 March 2010---------- "Reign of Terror" Then and Now
4 April 2010--------------Easter Message 2010
16 April 2010------------Freaky Floyd Friday + Alternatives
25 April 2010------------Marketplace Madness
30 April 2010------------High Strangeness Immanent
4 May 2010--------------Fr. Jaki in the News
13 May 2010-------------Demographica
5 June 2010-------------Diuturnitatis
6 June 2010-------------Juno Beach / 6 June A.D. 1944
10 June 2010------------TH2 After a Day of Work
16 June 2010------------Pro-Life Blogger Home Vandalized
28 June 2010------------Neato !
29 June 2010------------Queen of the Angels
4 July 2010--------------Go America !
1 August 2010-----------The Fruits of Neopaganism 
4 August 2010-----------Rutler Rules
6 August 2010-----------My Brain Hurts 
25 August 2010----------Aggravating Aggregation 
28 August 2010----------A Message from Cletus: Bible Belt Cathlik 
30 August 2010----------Catholic Pipe Smokers 
31 August 2010----------The Triumph of Vulgarity 
7 September 2010-------The Iceman and Other Surprises 
11 September 2010-----Still Raw 
15 September 2010-----TH2 on Twitter 
28 October 2010--------Celluloid Mystery
10 November 2010------A Cold and Grey November Day
15 December 2010------The Offensive Christ

16 January 2011
--------April 26, 1973
23 June 2011
-------------Now That's The Ticket 
1 July 2011---------------Dominion Day Ditty
8 September 2011
-------Life of the Party
17 September 2011------The Mesmerizing East
24 December 2011-------The Lord of History is Born 
31 December 2011-------Happy Clappy New Year

5 January 2012 ----------Why, Sir, Your Causing a Ruckus
11 February 2012--------Brahms and Bollywood
22 June 2012
-------------Stop Time
25 June 2012-------------Lockean Linchpin 
5 July 2012---------------News From India 
18 July 2012-------------Protect and Keep 
31 August 2012----------Reasons 2546 and 2547 Why I Never Became a Jesuit
1 October 2012----------The Reason, the Word, the Logos
13 November 2012------This Voris is a Machine
15 November 2012-------It's All About Meeeeeee - Reality Catholic TV... is Finally here! 

23 September 2013------Prelude to Next Post
6 October 2013 ---------Sequential Symbology / "Conservative" Neo-Catholicism