30 September 2010


I. A modern trend: the growing prominence of books, articles, websites, radio broadcasts and television documentaries on the so-clalled "genius" or "greatness" of ancient pagan societies. More and more we hear about how the Egyptian pyramids were constructed such that their configurations aligned almost perfectly with star patterns, or about how Aztec temples acted as astronomical observatories for high priests. There are programs and essays on the "democratic" political systems of pagan societies. We are told about the "high productivity" of Mayan agricultural techniques. Something strange is happening here. Do you notice it? All of these cultures are pagan, or primitive, as I like to say so as to infuriate the language police of the Left.

II. Close examination of the sources and "experts" used by whatever group to popularize and glorify pagan cultures shows a manipulation of facts, if not omissions. You will also find a general anti-Western sentiment prevails, be it explicit or subtle. You will not hear much about the slavery, cannibalism and infanticide of pagan cultures, ancient and modern. Neither will you read about how some aboriginal tribes almost exterminated certain animal species, or of their widespread destruction of forests through "broadcast burning". You will, however, hear all about the follies of Christianity and the "evils" of industrial pollution.

III. All of this overblown attention given to pagan and/or non-Christian cultures is not so much a celebration of them or wonder at their accomplishments. More so, they are innuendoes that work to omit from view or to simply malign the superior achievements of Judeo-Christian civilization. Yes, that is correct: superior. It is hard to compare the Christian concept of "love your enemies" with the vengeance of the god Thor who slaughters all opponents with his giant hammer. It is preposterous to relate democracy with tribal elders deciding which of their multitudinous wives they are going to sleep with after the riotous feast of wild boar. It is ridiculous to even analogize the vaccines of Louis Pasteur (a devout Catholic) and the hallucinogenic potions of the Voodoo priestess. Call me what you will but, if suffering from some ailment, I would rather have a sterilized needle injected into my arm than to have the bloody leg of a yak stuck in my ear. Why? Not because of bigotry, xenophobia, and so forth. Neither is credit refused when it is warranted. This is said because I am civilized, or at least try to be.

IV. Civilization is a word that properly and fully belongs to Judeo-Christian society. Like it or not, that is the way it is. Don't like it? Tough. More than a culture, civilization reflects a wider scope of awareness and activity. Unfortunately, the word is being used by the Vulgar Left to popularize the idea that traditional Judeo-Christian society is really at core, in its principles, "decadent" (a popular word), "ethnocentric" (a misnomer), "close-minded" and all the rest of it. Its achievements amount to no more than another drop in the multicultural bucket.

V. There are many ways in which this prejudice is advocated. For example, you will hear statements that go something like this: “Long before so and so in the West developed such and such an idea or device, the [insert pagan culture] had discovered or constructed it thousands of years beforehand.” Wait a minute. If these ideas and devices were prototypical of those in modern times, why did they develop and advance further through time? Where’s the continuity? More generally, why did these pagan cultures decline into obscurity if their political and scientific innovations preceded those of the West? It is a hard fact of history that those paltry number innovative ideas and technologies from pagan cultures were fully realized, adapted and further developed only by the West. Was it, then, the "evils" of colonialism? I hold the view opinion that colonialism was a good thing and that, in the final analysis, non-Western countries gained greatly from it.

VI. Facts speak; and those facts say that only the West has been successful on all matters of interest to man. From philosophy and literature to politics and science, it has been Western civilization - sustained by life support system that is the Roman Catholic Church - that has reached the greatest heights. Now, of course, our ideologues of Multiculturalism, if reading this, would be at boiling point. How do I respond? Well, that's a simple one: Let me quote Dostoyevsky’s Underground Man: "I am glad. Oh, but, I am very glad".


19 September 2010


When did The Atlantic Catholic go all pagan berserker? I always figured Canadian Catholic peoples on the east coast were of a superior breed, not subject to the winds of Political Correctness. What's going on? The cover and appertaining article therein is a commemoration of the first Indian baptized in Canada (on June 24, 1610): Grand Chief Henri Membertou of the Mikmaq tribe, "prophet, leader and legend". But why this "in your face" paganism? (click link above to enjoy the full, glorifying colouration). Why not a more dignified depiction of someone more Catholicized, so to speak? Here we see the false inducement of guilt, the romantization of the "noble savage" and, of course, a subtle condemnation of colonialism. Erik von Kuehnelt-Leddihn (1909-1999) reminded us: "There is, of course, nothing evil and nothing extraordinary about colonialism. It is the inevitable result of a historical law according to which not only nature, but also political geography, does not tolerate a vacuum. Where no effective resistance can be expected, other powers, other nations, other tribes will occupy, dominate, and administer an area. Our history could not be imagined without the forces of colonialism constantly at work" (Leftism: From de Sade and Marx to Hitler and Marcuse, New Rochelle, NY: Arlington House Publishing, 1974, p. 340). Indigenous peoples in the Dominion of Canada - and for all of the Americas, in fact - did not need the "European invaders" to incite their decline. The archaeological record evidences that they could effect this themselves. Eden did not exist before Cartier and his boys arrived. "I'm rather inclined to believe that this is the land God gave to Cain" (Jacques Cartier, 1534).

Bienvenue. What you observe above is the header for the website at the Diocese of Chicoutimi (Quebec). Is it appropriate for a Catholic diocese? Do not know about you, but it gives me the creeps, in a Tony Robbins/Scientologist sort of way. What's that couple to the left thinking about? Looks like they are experiencing the cool fresh breeze of liberal Christianity or, perhaps, it is constipation. You're guess is as good as mine. And what's going on at the right side? Kind of a Sears catalogue pose happening there. How nice. A perusal of the website shows that, despite a few pictures of Bl. Brother Andre (to be canonized next month), no expressly Catholic graphical imagery is to be found. Sorry Jesus, Mary and Joseph: you are not welcome. The entire website just more so evidences the pathetic state of Catholicism in Quebec. Vive le Québec libre. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.


18 September 2010


Kris Dmytrenko, blogger at Salt + Blight TV, seems to be confused about Cardinal Newman. Apparently, Newman is "undefined". He writes this:
Who really is Cardinal John Henry Newman?... I’ve learned that it’s not an easy question...Those who try to keep up with Catholic opinion must feel besieged by the dozens of commentaries about Newman... A consensus has emerged that Newman truly is Blessed, as he will be proclaimed in Birmingham, England this Sunday. Yet so much ink has been spilt on the question of whether Newman’s legacy belongs to the Church’s traditionalists or its reformers. Pundits from both camps find evidence to claim him as one of their own. Instead of enjoying Newman’s broad appeal, the ideologues will spoil their weekend, fuming over the thought of their opponents applauding the beatification. The rest of us can simply rejoice...
So for this analysis let us abstract the main components: (1) Newman is "undefined", (2) both "traditionalists" and "reformers" war over Newman's legacy, (3) Newman, rather, has "broad appeal" and, instead (4) we should "simply rejoice" over his beatification.

Thus we proceed...

Component 1. @"undefined": If Newman's views (as expressed in his writings) and life (as given by witness testimony), including the socio-religious implications thereof... if these are indefinable or, more specifically, unknowable, then how would it even been possible for the Congregation for the Causes of Saints to decide as to whether or not to proceed with his cause for sainthood? It would be impossible. What sources of information would be employed? Should there be a democratic vote by millions of Catholics worldwide? Are extraneous parties, including Mr. Dmytrenko, more qualified to pronounce judgment? No. Are they more entitled to do so? No. Accordingly, it follows that Newman has indeed (and already) been properly defined by the qualified and traditional authoritative body responsible for effectuating an investigation.

Component 2. @"traditionalists" versus "reformers": Specificity and distinctions are necessitated at the outset. With "traditionalist" is also classified orthodox and/or "conservative" Catholics. By "reformers" is also meant liberal and/or dissenting Catholics. Which of the two is more commensurate with authentic Catholicism? Logic, reason, history and common sense all dictate that the former is reflective of authentic Catholicism. To be sure, even Newman affords confirmation: "I consider my entire life's work, both as an Anglican and a Catholic, to have been a battle against liberalism in matters of religion!" (H/T Catholic Culture) Moreover, His Holiness - as evidenced by the Summorum Pontificum - is redirecting the Catholic ship back to reverent liturgy, which prompts Protestantizing liberals to perform cartwheels. Pope Benedict XVI is also a big admirer of Newman's writings. He is currently in the United Kingdom for Newman's beatification when popes are not normally present.

Component 3. @"broad appeal": Lady Gaga, Karl Marx and Barack Obama have broad appeal. That does not make their views and lifestyles authentic or true. This ascription is a relatvization, effectively saying that neither "traditionalists" or "reformers" are correct on Cardinal Newman. In this context, the phrase is a vague abstraction that disallows judgement, of right or wrong, of truth or error, almost a denial of reason and even a negation of how the Holy Spirit works in the Church.

Component 4. @"simply rejoice". Ignorance is bliss, it seems.

RECOMMENDATIONS: "Who really is Cardinal John Henry Newman?", Mr. Dmytrenko asks. Well, perhaps it is time for him to get back to the drawing board. Do not totally rely, as stated above, on "opinion". It's always good to start at original sources. Here are some suggestions of where to start: (1) An Essay on the Development of Christian Doctrine, (2) Arians of the Fourth Century, (3) Idea of a University, (4) An Essay in Aid of a Grammar of Assent and (5) Apologia pro Vita Sua. Even no need to purchase books. All are available online. LINK


12 September 2010


An ongoing analysis of subtle and/or blatant heresy/apostasy advocated by the Canadian Catholic Mainstream Media

Today's Lesson: The perverse are hard to be corrected, and the number of fools is infinite (Ecclesiastes 1:15).

DISSEMINARE DISSENSIO AD NAUSEUM. Novalis Publishers, an internal enemy of the Roman Catholic Church, is all geared up for its autumn publishing season. In his Fall 2010 Letter, Publishing Director Joseph Sinasac seems very excited about this season's line-up: "Once again, Joan Chittister, the best-selling American Catholic author, has provided Novalis with her latest wisdom with God's Tender Mercies, on the sustenance to be found in an attitude of forgiveness."[1] Hooray for heresy! Three cheers for womyn priests! Let's hear it for pansexual pantheism! Joanie's back with a vengeance and Novalis must be making pretty good coin from her tracts as they churn out lots of her stuff. I wonder what Fr. Paul Marx, founder of Human Life International, would think? Oh, here's one thing he said about the blueberry muffin: "Sister Joan Chittister is a wicked woman, to say nothing of a wicked nun... this wild nun... has been doing her dirty work for quite some time."[2] So thank you, Apostasy Joe, for all that you do. Keep on truckin', buddy. Note to Canadian Catholics: Did you hear about Novalis' new motto?: "Screwing you since Vatican II".

YE OLDE CATHLYC TYMES. What's going on at the New Catholic Times these days? There is always something fascinating happening over there at its website, despite hardly any responses in the com boxes. Yet I thought they were a major outfit, representing a large contingency of Canadian Catholics? What gives? Usually, no original articles. Just regurgitations from other radicalist sources. Why is that? Guess when your view of society is disproved innumerable times and becomes outdated and boring that pamphleteering duties need be relegated to others more innovative at repeating old errors with new labels. Labour Day has just come and gone and, goodness gracious, did that nostalgia for the good ole days of mayhem and Marxism brim to the surface. Let's see... an article [LINK] from haereticus extraordinarius Fr. Richard McBrien, wherein we read at the outset: "I keep hoping that one of these years the U.S. Catholic Bishops will issue a Labor Day statement that focuses on the church’s responsibility to practice what it preaches and teaches about social justice and human rights."[3] What? Social justice has not been the dominant forces in the last 40+ years? What a funny guy. Another article is by Ralph Nader, all-around-leftist-activist-do-gooder, that false messiah for the worker, now fading into the sunset. [LINK] Read this self-congratulatory extract: "One day I was at BWI airport and went to the crowded men's room. As I entered, the elderly cleaning man erupted in frustration. 'I'm sick of this job,' he shouted to no one in particular. 'Hour after hour I clean up, come back, see the crap, clean up some more. It never ends,' he wailed. The men who were wiping, flushing, washing, drying and zipping were stunned and silently shuffled out, as if he wasn’t there. I thanked him for his work and candor, calmed him down and gave him a gratuity. The others looked at me blankly as if I was dealing with a ghost they never see as a human being."[4] A kind gesture, to be sure. But where did Nader head off to afterward? The next protest rally? A TV interview? Book signing? All talk, never getting the hands dirty on a regularized or routine basis. Chesterton: "They love ordinary people from afar and talk about them often. But nearness to the people and their beliefs frightens them and confuses them".

WESTERN CRAPLIC REPORTER. Arrrrrrrggg. What say ye maytees? At the Western Catholic Reporter Glen Argan is troubled. He is upset over "the public face of Christianity" in light of vampire novelist Anne Rice, who recently "quit" Catholicism because it is "anti-gay... anti-feminist... anti-artificial birth control... anti-Democrat... anti-secular humanism... anti-science... anti-life". Let alone Rice's standard dilettante bromides, Argan seems to think that the Church compelled Annie to jump ship. He also sympathizes with her. Arrrrrrrggg, he's a sensitive guy. She is absolutely right and 2000 years of Catholic teaching and tradition, consistent and unwavering, is wrong. The Church has made some bad public relations decisions lately, he laments: "The recent classic example of failure in this area - though not the only one - was the decision to lift the excommunications of four traditionalist bishops, blithely unaware that one of them was a Holocaust denier."[5] Of course, the anti-Semitism of Richard Williamson (the person referred) does not form the central node of Argan's grievance. Arrrrrrrggg, this is a diversion. Rather, it is the fact that Pope Benedict lifted the excommunication on the Society of St. Pius X (SSPX) and, therefore, Argan is well cognizant of the Church's gradual return to orthodoxy and reverent liturgy after decades of abuse by the now graying hippies. Arrrrrrrggg, does this poor fellow seem fearful. If this horrendous trend continues, no longer will Argan be entirely comfortable with, for example, writing puff pieces on Sr. Elizabeth Johnson, as he did last July 26.[6] Johnson, for the record, is a well known heretic, advocating one-world government, goddess worship, womyn's ordination and the feminization the Holy Trinity.[7] According to Argan, "the God of love is on the side of the poor and oppressed". Ah, yes, the Marxist class warfare thing. Does this mean that my upper middle class friend who drives a Ferrari is going to Hell? Anyhow, thank you Glen for approving of Johnson and her struggle against the evils of "masculine language" and, even more so, for exemplifying the feminization of man in modern society. Send him to the plank, maytees! Feed Glen Arrrrrgan to the fishies. Arrrrrrrggg...

The Prairie Messenger is endorsing a book by Fr. Andrew Murray Britz, OSB: Truth To Power: The Journalism of a Benedictine Monk. Do you think that fellow Benedictine Sr. Joan Chittister's Foreward to this book yields a clue as to text's contents? Let's see: "This collection is an enduring part of the spiritual literature of our period". Oh my dear. The advertisment goes on to say: "Britz is known for his challenging editorials, weighing in on the concrete issues of our time: birth control, abortion, clergy abuse, sexism in the church, etc."[LINK] Hmmmm.... I wonder what all this means? Is Britz gonna get with the kidz? Truth to power, baby! Well, let's read a quote from one of Fr. Britiz's "challenging editorials": "Strange and, I think, dangerous changes are taking place in the ecumenical world."[8] Vexed about Pope Benedict's ordinariate offered to the Anglicans, are you? They seem to be crossing the Tiber is droves. I guess years of inutile liberal "dialogue" was a load of crap after all. It appears that all those decades of dissent were for nothing. Too bad. Enjoy your retirement.

A RON ROLHEISHER MOMENT. Do you ever notice that Fr. Ron Rolheiser... oops, he prefers not to formally present himself as a Catholic priest, a soul specially consecrated to Jesus Christ. I mean, rather, this: Do you ever notice that Fr. Ron Rolheiser, whose weekly column appears in 70 newspapers worldwide, approvingly quotes heretics, non-Catholics and leftist radicals on a regular basis? I do. Yes, he will quote the orthodox Catholic every once in a while, but the impression received is that their insights are really no better or superior than your run-of-the-mill dissenter. We are all the same. Difference means divisiveness, and we want none of that. This is his subtle heresy, whether done knowingly or not. After all, Rolheiser is a self-proclaimed "community-builder" (is like a community organizer?) and just wants everyone to get along. So maybe we should give him a break? But not today. Over the last few months he has, in his columns, favourably quoted from the following... First: Karl Rahner (1904-1984), progressivist Jesuit priest, "spirit" of Vatican II superstar, suit and tie kinda guy, had 22 year affair with German novelist Luise Rinser.[9] Second: the "mystical tradition of Islam". Seriously? Third: liberal Christian author Donald Miller, recently appointed to be on Barack Obama's "Task Force on Fatherhood and Healthy Families". Fourth: Nikos Kazantzakis (1883-1957), one-time admirer of Lenin, enchanted by Nietzsche, author of the not so Catholic friendly The Last Temptation (of Christ), made into a controversial film by Martin Scorsese (released 1988). In his latest column, entitled The Lesson of Loneliness, Rolheiser quotes from the anti-authoritarian/Dionysian Persian poet Hafez (ca. 1325-1390): "Don't surrender your loneliness / So quickly / Let it cut more deep / Let it ferment and season you."[10] Notice: wallow in sentimentality, give in to self pity and passivity, get lost in a mushy inwardist emotionalism, let your feelings fester. This has echoes of quietism, a heresy occurrent in 17th century Europe. Admittedly, yours truly is cold and indifferent in his analyses, yet no inference is here being made that emotions do not constitute part of the human condition. Still, with Rolheisher this self-remedial, self-annihilating emotionalism is made almost absolute, bordering on the pathetic. True love is an act of the will, which Catholic doctrine and the saints have always said. Emotions are ephemeral. So, then, here is our Ron Rolheiser Moment (from a December 2007 article): "Advent is about longing, about getting in touch with it, about heightening it, about letting it raise our psychic temperatures, about sizzling as damp, green logs inside the fires of intimacy, about intuiting the kingdom of God by seeing, through desire, what the world might look like if a Messiah were to come and, with us, establish justice, peace and unity on this earth". Endless gushing verbosity. Please make it stop.

CATHOLIC DISGORGISTER. John Bentley Mays at the Catholic Register argues that the Ground Zero mosque controversy is a direct consequence of racism: "The bitter controversy raging in the United States over the proposed mosque near New York’s World Trade Centre site has exposed a dark, durable stain on American public life. It’s racism of the old-fashioned, virulent kind, blurring distinctions, stereotyping the hated and feared 'Other', radically threatening the discipline and tolerance necessary to make a multicultural society work."[11] For my American readers, know that with Bentley (I like "Bentley", so let's call him Bentley) we have the typical elitist snob of the ruling intellectual class, at once spewing a vulgar anti-Americanism while extolling the so-called superior virtues of multiculturalism (he is American born, but lives up here). Pat Buchanan express Bentley's attitude more succinctly: "faculty-lounge obtuseness to the feelings of the people among whom they live."[12] Notice how the whole racism accusation immediately nullifies, in one swipe, all justified counterarguments to the mosque being built. Total silencing and vilification. According to a recent poll, 70% of Americans think the mosque should not be built. Based on Bentley's "logic", then, this means that 70% of Americans are racist. See the stupidity. What Bentley fails to understand is that - as my American friend Anita at V for Victory! pointed out - Islam is specifically a religion, not a race. But Bentley deceitfully attempts to equalize racism and religion. Racism, he writes, "always works by isolating and demonizing the 'Other', branding all as criminals for the crimes of the few, by taking indiscriminate revenge for those crimes on whole religious or ethnic communities". This is his escape hatch. Racism relates to the physical traits of a person. Religion relates to the theological beliefs of a person. The material versus the immaterial. Since, to Bentley, racism equals religious bigotry, he does not have to face head-on what Islam is as a religion. Like many on the Vulgar Left, he possesses not the testicular fortitude to deal with the objective facts of what Mohammedism is as a religion (i.e. theocratic, ideological) and thus sweeps those facts under the carpet of Political Correctness. Bentley continues: "Anyone who knows Muslims personally or Islam beyond what they hear on talk radio... is aware of the dangerous generalization embodied in this belief". Apparently, Bentley listens only to talk radio and never has read the Koran. Neither has he, it seems, read a book on the history of religions. But none of this matters to this little weasel. That Feisal Abdul Rauf, the Imam behind the mosque's development, does not condemn terrorism or Sharia is of no concern. That this Iman blames the US for the abomination committed on September 11, 2001 is of no relevance. That Bentley does not see in this controversy echoes of Mohammedan triumphalism at Cordoba, Spain betrays his utter historical ignorance. Fr. Raymond de Souza gets to the crux:
What kind of mosque and community centre will Cordoba House be? The sad reality is that throughout the Islamic world, especially in the Arab nations, Christian churches, schools and orphanages - where they are allowed to be built at all - often find mosques built next door, from which hostility and harassment issues forth.[13]
But the devastating broadside to Bentley and his latte-slurping confreres comes from the pen of Amir Taheri:
In fact, the proposed structure is known in Islamic history as a rabat - literally a connector. The first rabat appeared at the time of the Prophet. The Prophet imposed his rule on parts of Arabia through a series of ghazvas, or razzias (the origin of the English word "raid"). The ghazva was designed to terrorize the infidels, convince them that their civilization was doomed and force them to submit to Islamic rule... building a rabat close to Ground Zero would be in accordance with a tradition started by the Prophet. To all those who believe and hope that the 9/11 ghazva would lead to the destruction of the American "Great Satan," this would be of great symbolic value... The argument is that Cordoba, in southern Spain, was a city where followers of Islam, Christianity and Judaism lived together in peace and produced literature and philosophy. In fact, Cordoba's history is full of stories of oppression and massacre, prompted by religious fanaticism... A rabat in the heart of Manhattan would be of great symbolic value to those who want a high-profile, "in your face" projection of Islam in the infidel West.[14]
So much for multiculturalism. But, of course, the abovementioned means naught to this mal vivant. Deer looking in the headlights. Fantasy over factuality. Instead, Bentley will be at the salon sipping apple martinis with his tight-ass windbag friends at The Walrus, blathering over deconstructionist art and architecture. Have fun in the bubble, Bentley.


1. J. Sinasac, Fall 2010 Letter from the Publishing Director, Novalis Canada. LINK [UPDATE Sept. 24/10: link removed by Novalis. See link for book here]. See my analysis of Novalis here.

2. Letter from Fr. Paul Marx to Fr. Tom Euteneuer (August 20, 2007).

3. R. McBrien, "For Labor Day, church should embody social teachings", National Catholic Reporter, September 3, 2010. LINK

4. R. Nader, "Honoring Those Who Toil", Eurasia Review, September 3, 2010. LINK

5. G. Argan, "Author's opting out from Church gives a heads up", Western Catholic Reporter (editorial), September 6, 2010. LINK

6. G. Argan, "A feminist perception of the Spirit", Western Catholic Reporter, July 26, 2010. LINK

7. See, for example, T.M. Baklinkski, "Catholic University to Give Award to Goddess-Worshipping Theologian", LifeSite News, November 13, 2007. LINK

8. A.M. Britz, "Dangerous trends evident in Catholic ecumenism", Prairie Messenger (op-ed), April 28, 2010. LINK Read more about Fr. Britz the dime-a-dozen "social justice" heretic here.

This affair was chronicled in P. Schaeffer, "Karl Rahner's Secret 22-year Romance", National Catholic Reporter, December 19, 1997. LINK

10. The columns cited here include: "Love in a Time of Opposition" (July 25/10), "Ego, God, and Ministry" (August 1/10), "Editing Your Own Life" (August 15/10), "Spirituality and the Seasons of our Lives" (August 22/10), "The Lesson within Loneliness" (September 9/10) and "Advent Longing" December 2/07). These can be found in the archives at Rolheiser's website. LINK

11. J.B. Mays, "Racism at centre of 9/11 mosque dispute", Catholic Register, September 1, 2010. LINK

12. P.J. Buchanan, "Only Bigots Oppose the Mosque!", Human Events, August 24, 2010. LINK

13. R.J. de Souza, "Harassment and hostility, or healing and harmony?", National Post, September 9, 2010. LINK

14. A. Taheri, "Islam center's eerie echo of ancient terror", New York Post, September 10, 2010. LINK


07 September 2010


The Notorious LarryD has instructed me to list the Top Ten Things I Did That Still Surprise The Hell Out Of Me. I better comply or else, as his blog clearly evidences, he will lampoon me into oblivion.

So here we go...

Robbed a bank, along with my grandmother. Scored ten mil. We eventually got caught. She got ten years. Just three years probation and ten months community service for me.

2. Attended an LCWR conference with the theme: Gaia, Goddesses and Gdansk: The Relevance of Ancient Polish Paganism in the Context of Mud Baths and Mother Earth. On the evening of the final day of talks there was a dinner for all attendees, including myself. After a few drinks I then proceeded to stand atop my table, knocking down the incense-burning center placement and a bottle of Chablis. Everyone noticed and silence throughout the rather large venue immediately followed, whereupon I bellowed: "Ladies... ladies... your attention please... there is a special place in Hell for habitless, crew-cut nuns with a penchant for paganism. Not only is Pope Benedict my hero, he is also the boss... and you're going have to deal with it. Happy Kwanza." Words cannot describe the chaos and pandemonium that ensued.

3. At the zoo, I breached the fence barrier and entered the lion's den, offering a Big Mac to a lion cub for nourishment. Today, my friends affectionately call me Stubby McIdiot.

4. Canada is part of the English Commonwealth and, as such, Queen Elizabeth II will visit our country every so often. Her last visit was in July 2010. As part of her routine, she will meet and greet the peasantry along the city streets. I was an observer along the road last July and, by divine intervention, was permitted to speak with Her Majesty. "How are you today, young man", she graciously spoke. "Very well, Your Majesty", I respectfully responded. "Did you hear about Pope Benedict's personal ordinariate offered to the Anglicans?", I continued. Her lips pursed. Continuing: "Apparently, it's been a 500 year sham. Henry was a heretic, the bridge at the Tiber is now overcrowded, and an all-encompassing Sharia in your kingdom is now proximate to fruition... Hark, do I hear Londonistan calling?" She was not amused.

5. Submitted a scientifically-inclined article to the National Catholic Reporter for possible publication. It was entitled: "Effects of Heaven-Originating Hailstones of Fire Impacting upon a Quasi-Stationary Herd of Grazing Liberal Catholics at an Outdoor Picnic: Hit Probabilities, Facial Responses and Subsequent Spatial Dispersion Patterns". Never did get a response. Perhaps they thought it too scholarly.

6. Consumed 21 cheese sandwiches is just 32 minutes. Why? Because cheese sandwiches are delicious.

7. Long time ago: had long hair down to my shoulders.

8. Was up in the Canadian High Arctic on a glacier. When you walk on glacier it is absolutely necessary, for safety reasons, to carry a prodding rod of some kind to check the stability of the snowpack overlying the immensely thick ice below, when in the ablation zone during the spring melt period. Well, we were riding our snowmobiles upslope and a some equipment fell off. Stopped the snowmobile, disembarked and proceeded to walk a few metres (without checking snow) and, almost immediately, an area of about 15 square metres of snowcover collapsed around me, the snow funneling down into a deep, bluish crevasse nearly 2 metres in width. My rear end landed on the edge, stopping my descent into an icy void. Had my guardian angel not held me back, the next you would have seen me would have been on the front cover of a 9092 A.D. edition of National Geographic. Feature article: "Another Iceman Discovered".

9. Was out of groceries and too tired to go out and get something to eat, despite my hunger pangs. I elected to snack on a couple of bricks of butter and then downed a can of 10W30 I found in the garage.

10. I thought the TV show Fantasy Island to be a documentary and believed that all the stories and events presented on a weekly basis were true, real-life situations.

Please excuse my outlandishness. Only nos. 7 and 8 are true.

Cheers, Your LarryDness