07 September 2010

THE ICEMAN AND OTHER SURPRISES






The Notorious LarryD has instructed me to list the Top Ten Things I Did That Still Surprise The Hell Out Of Me. I better comply or else, as his blog clearly evidences, he will lampoon me into oblivion.


So here we go...







1.
Robbed a bank, along with my grandmother. Scored ten mil. We eventually got caught. She got ten years. Just three years probation and ten months community service for me.


2. Attended an LCWR conference with the theme: Gaia, Goddesses and Gdansk: The Relevance of Ancient Polish Paganism in the Context of Mud Baths and Mother Earth. On the evening of the final day of talks there was a dinner for all attendees, including myself. After a few drinks I then proceeded to stand atop my table, knocking down the incense-burning center placement and a bottle of Chablis. Everyone noticed and silence throughout the rather large venue immediately followed, whereupon I bellowed: "Ladies... ladies... your attention please... there is a special place in Hell for habitless, crew-cut nuns with a penchant for paganism. Not only is Pope Benedict my hero, he is also the boss... and you're going have to deal with it. Happy Kwanza." Words cannot describe the chaos and pandemonium that ensued.

3. At the zoo, I breached the fence barrier and entered the lion's den, offering a Big Mac to a lion cub for nourishment. Today, my friends affectionately call me Stubby McIdiot.

4. Canada is part of the English Commonwealth and, as such, Queen Elizabeth II will visit our country every so often. Her last visit was in July 2010. As part of her routine, she will meet and greet the peasantry along the city streets. I was an observer along the road last July and, by divine intervention, was permitted to speak with Her Majesty. "How are you today, young man", she graciously spoke. "Very well, Your Majesty", I respectfully responded. "Did you hear about Pope Benedict's personal ordinariate offered to the Anglicans?", I continued. Her lips pursed. Continuing: "Apparently, it's been a 500 year sham. Henry was a heretic, the bridge at the Tiber is now overcrowded, and an all-encompassing Sharia in your kingdom is now proximate to fruition... Hark, do I hear Londonistan calling?" She was not amused.

5. Submitted a scientifically-inclined article to the National Catholic Reporter for possible publication. It was entitled: "Effects of Heaven-Originating Hailstones of Fire Impacting upon a Quasi-Stationary Herd of Grazing Liberal Catholics at an Outdoor Picnic: Hit Probabilities, Facial Responses and Subsequent Spatial Dispersion Patterns". Never did get a response. Perhaps they thought it too scholarly.

6. Consumed 21 cheese sandwiches is just 32 minutes. Why? Because cheese sandwiches are delicious.

7. Long time ago: had long hair down to my shoulders.

8. Was up in the Canadian High Arctic on a glacier. When you walk on glacier it is absolutely necessary, for safety reasons, to carry a prodding rod of some kind to check the stability of the snowpack overlying the immensely thick ice below, when in the ablation zone during the spring melt period. Well, we were riding our snowmobiles upslope and a some equipment fell off. Stopped the snowmobile, disembarked and proceeded to walk a few metres (without checking snow) and, almost immediately, an area of about 15 square metres of snowcover collapsed around me, the snow funneling down into a deep, bluish crevasse nearly 2 metres in width. My rear end landed on the edge, stopping my descent into an icy void. Had my guardian angel not held me back, the next you would have seen me would have been on the front cover of a 9092 A.D. edition of National Geographic. Feature article: "Another Iceman Discovered".

9. Was out of groceries and too tired to go out and get something to eat, despite my hunger pangs. I elected to snack on a couple of bricks of butter and then downed a can of 10W30 I found in the garage.

10. I thought the TV show Fantasy Island to be a documentary and believed that all the stories and events presented on a weekly basis were true, real-life situations.

Please excuse my outlandishness. Only nos. 7 and 8 are true.

Cheers, Your LarryDness

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12 comments:

Anita Moore said...

Hmm...I guess the thing that surprises me is that you didn't do all those things (except 7 and 8)! :)

TH2 said...

Hardee har har ;)

LarryD said...

LOL! You make this guy seem boring by comparison!

Marco said...

Yeah, I think I attended that same LCWR conference,..I infiltrated posing as a shirtless Jesuit postulant specializing in Hindu dance workshops....Good stuff Hunter!

TH2 said...

Larry: In actuality, my life is as exciting and uneventful as a telephone pole on an isolated desert highway.

Marco: Good one. By the way, when I look for your blog on my dashboard of who I am following, it says that your last post was done months ago. But I know you have been posting recently. You might want to check if there is a glitch in your feed.

Al said...

TH2
LOL at the images some of your faux acheivements bring to mind, esp the LCWR one. But I suspect you wouldn't get out alive if you actually did show up & say what you did.
Hopefully your faux LCWR meeting theme won't get in the wrong hands. seeing where they are heading I can imagine them doing 1 on "Gaia, Goddesses and Gdansk: The Relevance of Ancient Polish Paganism in the Context of Mud Baths and Mother Earth."
Surprized #6 isn't real. Cheese sandwiches (esp grilled cheese with mozzarella) are delicious.
& you said thatFantasy Island wasn't a documentary? I suppose that next you are going to claim that the Flying Nun couldn't fly.

TH2 said...

Al: At the LCWR thing - I'd be tar and feathered. Re: cheese sandwiches - although not 21, I did eat six cheese sandwiches in one sitting. A secret for grilled cheese sandwiches: add butter to bread and toast the bread in a frying pan before consuming, then add the cheese. Very good. The Flying Nun couldn't fly? I always knew that Sally Field was a phony :)

Mary said...

ROFLMBO!

No. 7: Bet you looked cute in a ponytail!

No. 8: Truly glad you're still on this side of eternity.

No. 9: Butter and 10W30? Don't you know butter is bad for you?

TH2 said...

7: Long hair. NO ponytail.
8: Me too.
9: Ug. Butter am bad. But taste good.

Mary said...

TH2, don't be offended; I've worked with some pretty tough biker dudes with not only ponytails, but also single braids.

Also, I used to cook with 10W30 until I found out how it's manufactured. Now I use butter exclusively.

TH2 said...

Still, that 10W30 is rather tasty, especially with a WD-40 chaser.

LarryD said...

Still, that 10W30 is rather tasty, especially with a WD-40 chaser.

And just think how easily digestion is! It passes right through ya!

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