28 August 2010

A MESSAGE FROM CLETUS: BIBLE BELT CATHLIK

Hi y'all. I'm Cletus - former hed of security at eeee-dubya-tee-enn. Thatz rite, I yousd to wurk 4 Mother Angelica. I luv Mother, sheez a wunderful nun. So kind to me and the missus. Butt why I'm nowz "former" hed of security... well, that matter iz still the courts... he he he.

Don't chyoo laff at me now, Cathlik peoplez. I know you're thinkn my name's funny. Golly, my Pappy named me after Pope Anacletus, a saint don't ya know. He was voted in to hed Our Blessed Lord's Church probablee round 76 aay-dee. And don't chya know that my name means "one who has been called". Well, least that's what it sayz in Billy Bob's Cathlik Ensyklopeedia.


So there... and the other day this teee-aych-too guy called me to fill in fur him whilst heez workin on wun of his articlez for this here blaug... Uh? What the heyl is blaug? Iz that sum kinda New York Citee thang? Personally - and don't tell nobody, but I think heez a turd. Nuntheless, Our Blessed Lord sayz that we must be chairitable and paichent with our naybers. So considern that - and factor'n in my southern hospitalitee, I shall oblige. And hav yoo seen that Mr. Scampers? Fuuuneeee... That guy iz a barrel of laffs.

Anyhoo, last night me and Lamar are cow tipping, ya know... and that got me thinkn. "What in tarnation shall I rite about?", I axed myself whilst ruminatin under the starry celestial dome. German philosophee, I pondurd. Immanuel Kant, purhaps... and what wuz that guy talkn bout anyhow? Shucks, I'm not that much inta book learnin n stuff, but I did reed hiz Criteek of Pur Reezon and, let me tell ya... I was afterward fumin and freeked-out like a racoon trapped in a corner by a troop of prancin littergical dancers. After reeding that book I was so angry that I wanted to go bak in time and whoop his precusoring Nazi ass.

But I don't wanna talk bout him no mor. Neether do I wanna rite anymor. This iz borin. So here iz some pixchurs that you may be intrested in:

This iz my faverit monster truck.


This iz my faverit tee-shirt.

This iz not my faverit cuzin, Purnell. Heez a libral Cathlik.

Time to go now. Gotta go hunt'n for sum bunnee rabbitz with my handee pop gun that you seez me holdn in the pixchur. I better get me one of those critters else the missus will be on my case.

God bless, y'all.

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22 comments:

Old Bob said...

I like your humour, eh.

TH2 said...

Bob: I gotta stop making fun of you guys south of the border or else I'm gonna get in some big time trouble. Just so there's no confusion, click here

LarryD said...

Cletus, I look forward to your next post when you discuss fashion choices of the habitless hussies.

TH2 said...

Larry: Interesting you mentioned it - Cletus and I were just taking about that very same subject the other day.

Anita Moore said...

LOL!! I'm not sure which of those pics is my favorite: I'm torn between the B16 Bomber and the Marty Haugen Sucks T-shirt.

(And I lived in northern Idaho for some years, so I'm kinda hard-pressed to complain. The norther you get, the weirder it gets...you know, like, as you approach the Canadian border...)

(running and ducking)

TH2 said...

weirder it gets...you know, like, as you approach the Canadian border... Guess I had that one coming. Good return fire.

Anita Moore said...

When I was living up in the panhandle, I went in for a spot of root canal...the dentist, looking at my teeth, said, "You have nice teeth. You must not be from around here."

TH2 said...

Never had a root canal myself, though I had braces when a kid. I even had to wear that external horse brace thingee. My friends had a good laugh when they first saw me.

Nancy said...

Man, I gotta get one of them T shirts

TH2 said...

You said it, Nancy.

Al said...

TH2 - I am borrowing the T-shirt for a post I have coming up today about Marty Haugen. Your timing in putting it up is perfect.

Can't wait for his take on the Hussies.

Anita, your comment "weirder it gets...you know, like, as you approach the Canadian border" may explain Minnesota, too much Canadian content. (OK, more of a Iowa pride Minnesota joke than a Canadian 1.)

PS: Given that those of us outside the Bible belt often use similar humor for a certain type from that area, moat of us know Cletus isn't a generalization.

Mary said...

You'd be surprised how far north these things can run. Cletus has many relatives in southern Ohio. In fact, it was during a Mock Trial competition that I first heard the pronunciation "blaug" (or maybe it was blawg. Or blauwg. Or bweriaskdj.) from some high school students. We still make fun of it, but can't quite imitate it properly.

TH2 said...

Al: Free free to use the T-shirt image.

Mary: I confess that there is a bit of Cletus' personality in me :)

Old Bob said...

TH2, thanks for the birthday wish. My great-great-great grandfather, Pierre Bottineau, a Méti, was equally at home on either side of the border. My great-grandfather was born in Montmagny, Québec, my recently-deceased uncle's wife was born in St.-Jean-Baptiste MB, and I have a good friend in Winnipeg (Winterpeg), a très belle et jolie canadienne. She and I have discussed making one state (or province) out of Minnesota and Manitoba, to be called either Minnetoba or Manisota.

TH2 said...

No probs, Bob. I like that idea of combining Minnesota and Manitoba. There has been a thrown around for a while now that Canada as a whole will eventually be annexed by the US in the distant future.

Old Bob said...

PS, TH2 -- ma belle amie canadienne helped invent Newfie Brewfie, an honoured tradition since 1534, and the best thing to come out of Canada since Ice Hockey. "I may disagree with what you drink, but I will defend to the death your right to drink it." -- Voltaire. "Je bois, donc je suis." -- Descartes.

Mary said...

OK, TH2, since yer up to confessin', I'll confess that I grew up talkin' like 'at. My high school drama/English teacher told us that we'd have to change our accents or people ev'rywhere would laugh at us. And she was right. So these days I try to talk normal and all that stuff, but slip into the hillbilly accent pretty easily.

There. I've said it.

Paul said...

I think Cletus must be related to Earl Pitts, Uhmerikun.

TH2 said...

Bob: Good one... like the "Newfie Brewfie".

Mary: Golly gee, a hillbilly? Never would a thunk it.

Paul: I think you may be right, sir.

Patrick Button said...

As a Catholic living in the Bible-Belt I can attest that there is nothing like a redneck Catholic. They have their priorities straight: Jesus, family, guns, and beer.

TH2 said...

Patrick: I stand corrected. Again, so there is no confusion you might want to check out my post here

Patrick Button said...

No offense taken. Subtlety is somewhat hard to convey in a combox. I know you like the USA and I am fond of Canada myself. We Americans have always liked Canada, which is why we kept trying to annex it.

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