23 March 2010

DISPATCH FROM THE DEPTHS




It is better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.
John Milton, Paradise Lost




This blogger received an anonymous e-mail with a "dispatch" as an attachment. The sender indicated that the document was "acquired from the ether", whatever that means. Nevertheless, most interesting revelations are delineated therein. It is reproduced below for the reader's perusal.

[DISPATCH START]
21 March 4.54 Ga Anno Tellus

Dear Venerable Bishops, Priests and Religious of the Dominion of Canada:

DSP NO.: CAN666SPRTV2H3LL1Z-GR8
RE: Ongoing Canadian Apostasy

Now I know not all of you believe in me or, if so, take little notice of me (hey, no problem), but it has come to my attention, via one of my grovelling minions, that I should impart a "shout out" to my Canadian confreres. As you probably know, I have been tremendously busy in other parts of my globe and, admittedly, have not devoted much time to my campaign in the Land of Snow and Ice. Today, I just garnered a significant victory in the USA, however my first priority is dealing with this new guy from Bavaria. What a menace! Figured I solved the whole German thing 500 years ago with that Augustinian monk. What is it, 30000+ sects at last count? But now there is this "Panzer Pope" - and he is starting to upset my plans. The Anglican thing, Orthodox unification in the works, liturgical "reform", that investigation into my darling polyester princesses, and so forth. Anyhoo, I won't bore you with details. Back to the matter at hand.

Recently, I have received numerous communiqués from my agents in my territory ascribed "true north, strong and free", and am quite elated after reading their variegated disseminations. Excluding those relatively few "orthodox" ones (scum), I would like to proffer my utmost thanks to y'all. Honourable mentions to the following Canucks:
  • Thank you Fr. Thomas Rosica. You're doing remarkable work at Salt + Lite TV. Even better, I was overflowing with glee when, subsequent to the Kennedy funeral, you issued that blog post vilifying those so-called "agents of life", arguing that they are the causation "of division, destruction, hatred, vitriol, judgment and violence", that Catholic bloggers express "a new form of self–righteousness, condemnation and gnosticism". Absolutely love it! And when Junior came to your aid - that "fair" and "neutral" guy [wink] - I was more enthralled. Liked the Sirius Radio interview too. Excellent follow up. Good work, Tommy. You're going places. Do I hear bishop?
  • Thank you Archbishop James Weisgerber. As with your homeboy Rosica, I commend you for your assault on Catholic bloggers. Especially for this beauty in your interview with my buddies at the Catholic Register: "These bloggers who claim to be more Catholic than anyone - I think first of all they’re not part of the church, they’re not Catholic in the sense that they have no mandate, they have no authority, they have no accountability. And they speak very, very definitively about what it means to be Catholic, and they’re followed by so many people.” Hey, do you know a guy named Alinsky? You sound just like him. Now I know why they call you the "Weismeister". Diminish them to zero, make them as nothing, everything they propound is nonsense, nil. Exactly what wretched humans are! Anyway, this whole D+P/abortion thing will soon blow over. Don't worry about "facts" and that "evidence". I'm taking care of that. Already, I've got ZENIT refusing to give LifeSite News advertising space, and they're letting some S+L "producer" write on the D+P matter (he he he he...).
  • Thank you Fr. Michael Prieur. I greatly admire your work in the "material cooperation" with me, and for your perversion of impressionable minds at St. Peters Seminary in London, Ontario, by way of your ethical "proportionalism". Fabulous. I am especially satisfied with your allowance, support and endorsement of these: tubal ligation for contraception "for the greater good", "early inductions" (like the abortion euphemism, why didn't I think of that?), and embryonic stem cell research. Unholy smokes, Prieur! All this work you do - writing, reporting, teaching, advising, consulting. You're like a machine. A death machine... and IIIIIIII like that.
  • Thank you Archbishop Thomas Collins. I was unsure about you at first upon instalment, but you have turned out to be one of those middle-of-the-road guys. Hey, lukewarm is alright with me. No probs. Confirmation of your alrightness occurred when, in reaction to the H1N1 "pandemic", you issued that "communication" to "temporarily suspend communion of the tongue". You did this despite Redemptionis Sacramentum, wherein it states:"each of the faithful always has the right to receive Holy Communion on the tongue". You also ignored epidemiologists and used media hype as an excuse. But what I really loved about your issuance was how you didn't bother to capitalize the "c" in the word "communion" and not affix that despicable word "holy" before it. Brilliant! Oh... and another thing: one of your "media partners" at the Toronto Archdiocese, namely the ever reliable National Catholic Broadcasting Council (NCBC), is sponsoring a television broadcast by my sassy blue bombshell, Sr. Joan Chittister. She's such a muffin, doing spectacular work for our cause. Unlike other bishops/dioceses that disavowed her presence and promulgations in their respective domains, you have done well by remaining silent about her upcoming program. I thrive in noise, but I am also happy when bishops remain silent. I was also advised that a poster for this event was put up in many parishes. Good work.
  • Last but not least - thank you Canadian Conference of Catholic Bishops. My dearest Star Chamber, my beloved band of bishocrats, how I am so proud of you guys. Your bloated officialdom, your glacial responses to crises in the church, your nonchalant denials of evidences betraying corruption within your ranks, your implicit socialism, your ever so subtle advocacy of nature worship, your innumerably babbling babybooming-hippie handlers, your ambiguities and superfluities - a delectable cornucopia of heresy and apostasy. Wonderful! There are so many things about you I want to praise. It would take volumes! A recent pleasure for me was your invitation to "Tricky Ricky" to speak at your recent Plenary Assembly. You even went so far as to defend him at your website after some pesky blogger identified him as a heretic. But most of all, Venerable Brothers, I am eternally grateful, to the bottom of my blackened heart, for your continued, absolute, total, utter and unmitigated defiance in refusing to retract the Winnipeg Statement. For 40+ years now, this brilliant assault against that Peter imposter has led "Catholic" Canadians down the road of antinomian depravity, winning me multitudinous souls. Next stop: Societal Annihilation. Thank you. Thank you.
There are many more of you I wish to thank, but I am under a time restriction as regards my ruination of humanity. Catch you guys on the flipside... if you know what I mean [nudge nudge].

I am not ever your humble servant. Yours in Myself,
OFFICIAL INSIGNIA
[DISPATCH END]

Share/Bookmark

23 comments:

Mary said...

LOVE the dispatch number.

I was horrified to find out last night about Zenit's refusal of the LifeSiteNews ad. WTH? Guess I'll have to double my donation to LSN.

We must all be prepared spiritually for martyrdom.

Old Bob said...

Worthy of Lewis. Thanks, TH2!

TH2 said...

Mary: I was disappointed in ZENIT too. Downgrading it to level of CNS.

Bob: Thank you. Wait a sec... I did not write that - it was sent anonymously ;]

Sanctus Belle said...

I will CC this to my ex patriot Canadian husband, thanks TH2!

TH2 said...

No probs, Sanctus Belle.

Al said...

"CAN666-SPRT-V2-H3LL-1Z-GR8" Dittos to Mary's comment about the dispatch #.

I was also disappointed to see how Zenit is treating LifeSiteNews.

The whole thing eally makes the point. My favorite line however is "my sassy blue bombshell, Sr. Joan Chittister. She's such a muffin." Love it, but afraid that the image it has planted in my mind will cause me nightmares over the next few days as well.

TH2 said...

Sorry about the nightmares Al.

Anita Moore said...

And speaking of the habitless hordes, what about the one who sold out her Catholic faith to support Obamacare...in exchange for a pen. I don't know what's more depressing: that everyone has his price, or that the price is so low.

TH2 said...

Very depressing indeed, Anita. Keehan will have a lot to answer for on that day she departs from this earth. From a consecrated Bride of Christ to and a deliverer of babies to be sacrificed to Moloch. It's just downright evil.

LarryD said...

Excellent. Awesome.

Al said...

TH2, I have something to add about Satan's favorite "Blue"berry muffin, Joanie C. A while ago I noticed she wrote a commentary on the Rule of St. Benedict. Given that I am familiar with the Rule, I was curious to see what she would say since much of what she does is diametricly opposed to the Rule. But I didn't want to put any money in her pocket. I decided to check the library catalogs of the 3 colleges in DBQ (@ "Catholic & 1 Presbyterian). 2 of the 3 have it in their libraries. I was not surpized to see that the "Catholic" college I work at did have it (along with a whole slew of other books of hers). What surprized me is that the BVM run other "Catholic" college didn't. In fact they only have a few of her books. IMHO she isn't radical enough for them. (This is the closest you will ever see me get to giving her a compliment as well.)

TH2 said...

Larry: Thanks. That's quite a compliment coming from the master of Catholic satire - but remember the origin of the dispatch ;)

Al: Yes, Joan "the muffin" Chittister seems to be everywhere. To use of one your phrases which I really liked (as commented in another blog), St. Benedict must be tired from spinning so many times in his grave.

Dylan said...

You "people have got to be kidding. Are you serious?
You phoney religions and beliefs are the laughing stock of the thinking world.
Anyone who isn't from the upper mid-west or the inbred south gave up on your crap a long time ago and it's abot time you did too.
Your poe is a joke and the entire Roman catholic church is full of lesbians and homosexual chaild rapers.
I stumbled across this web site by accident, sorry I did.
Hunting Heretics? This an't the fucking Spanish Inquisition!
Get a clue. Religion give false hope tp the unenlightened (in the US and the third world) and give false control to those in "authority"
You all are sick even worse the Muslims.
Quit while you're a head.

TH2 said...

Princess Dylan,

TH2 suggest some things for you:

1. Stop getting your information about life and the world from the Jon Stewart Show. I always thought it is a good idea to read a book instead.

2. Move out of your parents basement and get a job.

3. You are, obviously, a very lonely and unhappy individual.

4. Insults, trolls etc. are welcome here. But you can do better than that... "Spanish Inquisition"! That's an old one. I suggest that you start drinking a different flavor of Kool-Aid.

5. Finally, you might find this video more amenable to your sensibilities: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbU5CzPi0zM

Oh, and one other thing, Princess: if ya got the nads, go to my "The Origins of Science" article (in the "Fiend Folio")... read it in its entirety, including the footnotes, and then challenge me with some real questions. Then we will see who is living in the "thinking world" and who is not.

See ya..... punk.

Al said...

TH2, before I get to the main point, I have to add 1 thing about Dylan, he is a prime example of the Scripture "Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools." I would like to suggest 1 book for him to read "How the Catholic Church Built Western Civilization" by Thomas E. Woods. Oh wait, it might cause his head to exploid since it would destroy many of his delusions.

That aside, decided to check out "blue"berry muffins take of St. benedeict's Rule. About as bad as exected. Could only take a it in a few small doses, didn't want my blood pressure medicine to give up. All I will add is that she probably would have encouraged St. beedict to give into the naked ladies hired to tempt him rather than resist them. If I could I would burn it. Unless she repents I suspect St. Benedict will meet her at the gates of heaven with a 1 way ticket to a warmer clime that she will be surprized even exists.

TH2 said...

Al: It seems the nihilists are in full force during Holy Week. Good book suggestion. Woods even had a series on EWTN a while back.

Like the "Blueberry Muffin" ascription. I used to call her Joan "the muffin" Chittister, but now I will steal your nickname.

Mary said...

Great. Thanks to Dylan and his/her eloquent vocabulary, out main computer's parental controls blocked this blog! Four of seven is very irritated. Thanks, Chump....er...Champ.

TH2 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mary said...

No probs, TH2. I warned the young'ns when the comment came through on my email. I DO realize I can't protect them forever. :) There's great rejoicing in our kitchen (where the computers are) when we see that TH2 has a new post, but sometimes the Younger People don't think to tell me.

Me: TH2 has a new post!
4/7: Oh yeah. I read that already.

:)

May you also have a joyous and happy Easter!

(Word Verification is "flogging". How appropriate on this Good Friday.)

TH2 said...

Did not realize that the whole team was monitoring. Pressure... pressure... I will try my best. Got new stuff in the works, coming soon.

Thank you.

Al said...

Glad you like the "Blue"berry muffin monicker since a line in this post inspired me. I read "sassy blue bombshell, Sr. Joan Chittister. She's such a muffin". I love blueberries & put 2 & 2 together. So feel free to use it as much as you want.

As for the nihilists being out in force, you may be right.

Then there is the comment I got on a post I put up almost 2 years ago about what might have been the earliest Catholic Church found (Just 1 Question: "Who Was Saint Georgeous?"). The guy wrote: "it was NOT 'catholic', it was christian. the concept of 'catholic' didn't exist until several centuries later. the users of this church would not have even known what 'catholic' was. please stop using anachronisms." As I pointed out in my response, St. Ignatius used the term, St Polycarp was described as "the bishop of the catholic church in Smyrna" & a few others to show the concept did exist long before he claims it did. I then suggested he read the Church Fathers as well as check out some info from The Coming Home Network. I also pointed out how christian would have been just as anachronistic for 33 AD as well using his standards since it wasn't used til many years later at Antioch.

Something tells me that he isn't too thrilled with the idea that the Catholic Church IS the Church founded by Jesus.

TH2 said...

Al: My guess is that, after you provided the historical evidence, the commenter did not respond with another comment. I do not expect Dylan (either) to return after my challenge.

A happy Easter to you and yours.

Al said...

TH2, since I just got it yesterday & repsonded last night, time will tell. However, I suspect you are right if past history with others is any guide. Ditto with Dylan for you.

Buona Pasqua as mia famiglia would say!

Post a Comment