MSS / No. 19

A video dispatch from yours truly on a covert investigation by the Vatican.

MSS / No. 19

MSS / No. 18

ATTENTION: Humanity

MSS / No. 18

MSS / No. 17

It's SHOWTIME !

[ENLARGE SCREEN FOR BETTERER VIEWING]

MSS / No. 17

MSS / No. 16

From the vault...

MSS / No. 16

MSS / No. 15

The other day yours truly was attempting to read yet another one of TH2's insufferably long snorefest posts when I thought to myself: "There's gotta be a better way to get heretical news and information out to the Catholic peoples. This guy is a verbose buffoon. At least increase the font size or double–space the lines – just do some thing." But, alas, TH2 is a hopeless case; and, as usual, Mr. Scampers has to take up the slack and compensate for the circumlocutory irrelevancies of this boob.

Thus Mr. Scampers entered into a deep state of rumination...

For hours upon hours I thought and thought. My mind was in constant motion. I burned the midnight oil. I walked the city streets. And I went to a Starbucks so as to annoy its clientele. "Hey buddy", I said to some avant–guard–looking individual whilst sipping his mocha–latte, "get a job! Ooooooohhh you got a laptop there, so you must be an important person. Ooooohhhh and I see that your reading Alinsky's Rules for Radicals. Deeeeep stuuuuff. Let me tell ya something punk: Have ya ever heard of Duns Scotus' notion of haecceitas? Eh? Have ya punk? No? Too complicated? Uh? I can't hear ya. Guess who I am? Saul Alinsky. Get it? Hellllloooo, McFly, hellllloooooo....."

The next morning, after TH2 paid my bond and drove me back from the county jail, it hit me like a speeding bus full of people on its way to a Fr. Corapi retreat: "NEWS AGGREGATOR!", I bellowed, "Just hot links to heretical news and information. That's what the Catholic peoples need".

So I went to work, and what you see below is the beta version, with quotes and headlines from recent news events. Much care was taken in selecting the graphics. Simple but visually informative. I hope you like it. Feedback welcome.

Until next time, Catholic peoples, Auf Wiedersehen.

GLOBAL HERETICAL NEWS AGGREGATOR

Fr. Greeley releases another cheeseball novel: 'Happy are the Heretics'
Oprah notices. 'Book Club' potential.

* 'Byyyyye byyyyye. So long Jesus; hello spirit of the world'. By John McLaughlin.
* 'Have we betrayed our order's founder? Naaaaaaaahhhhh... Ignatius Schmignatius'.
* 'Robert Drinan: Hell or Purgatory? An Inquiry'.

* 'Lay Catholics: We are Church. We are the World. To hell with the Pope'.
* 'Adventures in Heresy: Looking for every single way, every bloody excuse, every scriptural anomaly, every mercurial qualifier, every twist in logic, to demonstrate that Catholicism is a 2000-year-old farce'.
* E-MAIL RCVD: 'Listen up, here. I'm the Devil or Satan or the Morning Star or whatever you want to call me. And let me tell you something: Even I want nothing to do with this periodical'.

* 'Hilton, Spears, Lohan: Lessons for your teenage daughter from the fabulous Three Amigas'.
* 'We're all about Activism, Environmentalism and Social Justice... Oops, and the rest of that so-called Catholic stuff, like Tradition and the Magisterium'.

* Sr. Joan Chittister performs Ethel Merman: 'There's no business like show business, like no business I know'. Off-Broadway play in the works. Lloyd Webber 'interested'.
* John L. Allen, Jr.: 'Moving Target - How to appear unbiased, faithful and fool a lot of people at the same time'.



* 'The Proper Insertion of Suppositories. An in-depth analysis'.
* EDITOR REVELATION! Quote: 'I mean... come on, people. We here at The Pill are just fooling ourselves now. Blast! that Damian Thompson'.
* Praise for 'The Tablet' from Screwtape: 'A delicious read'. 'You said it, Uncle', echoes Wormwood. 'Shut your trap you loathesome vermin', retorts Screwtape.

* Editorial: 'Oh, yes, were pro-life and we acknowledge Church Tradition, but those are back-burner things. Sheesshh. We'd rather concentrate on and overemphasize health care, petty politiking, false ecumenism, education, liberation movements, climate change, environmentalism, local celebrities and other secular banalities'.
* Michael Swan: 'Obscure heretical priests and nuns: 10 Fabianist reasons why I almost always quote them in my reports'.

* Fr. Ron Rolheiser / In Exile: 'Can't we all just get along; the fallacy of truth'.
* Joe Gunn / 'Social Justice Jobs: How to get paid for doing nothing'.

LCWR NEWS
* MISSING. Whereabouts of nun unknown. Last seen entering New Age labyrinth. Search underway. Enneagram profiler contacted.
* SHOCK. Pantsuit catches fire. Investigators blame highly flammable polyester. Schneiders recovering.

CCCB NEWS
* Cornwall, ON - 2009 Plenary Assembly Complete. Bishops claim 'success', 'advancement'.
* Accomplishments: Stationary design approved, secular nic-nac issue resolved.
* Shadow of 'Winnipeg Statement' still looms. 800-pound gorilla celebrates 41st birthday - very old, unable to control bowels. Mess. Bishops ignore.


USCCB NEWS
* Baltimore, MD - 2009 Plenary Assembly Complete. New Missal Approved.
* Trautman dissents, attempts maneuver, loses voice. Tonsillitis. Unable to appeal.
* Celebrations commence at Vatican. Ticker-tape parade in Piazza.
* Child overjoyed, says: 'ab abusu ad usum non valet consequentia... cuiusvis hominis est errare, nullius nisi insipientis in errore perseverare'.


PROGRAMMING HIGHLIGHTS

* 'The Menace of Catholic Bloggers: A call for silence'. By Fr. Thomas Rosica.
* 'Ladder-Climbing: How to Become a Bishop'. Fr. Rosica explains. Today's lesson: Unobstrusive brown nosing.
* Interview: Fr. Rosica speaks w/Abp. Weisgerber. Topic: 'The Banning of Bloggers: An Alinskian Approach'.
* It's the Father Tom Show! Tonight he sings: 'It's my network, and I'll cry if I want to'.
* The News with Fr. Thomas Rosica. Lead Story: Father Tom has a snack.

[All programs written, directed, produced, choreographed, designed, realized, conceptualized, hosted, edited and engineered by Fr. Thomas Rosica - underwritten by the CCCB]

BLOG SPOTLIGHT
* 'Anal Retention: How to get that baseball bat out of your ass. Proctologist explains'.
* 'Dissimulating Authentic Catholicism: Pretending to stand the higher ground, with lessons from Bono'.
* 'On being a pseudo-intellectual snob: Ambiguity, nonchalant name dropping, trendy blog headers and other meaningless crap'.

PROTESTANT NEWS
* Rowan Williams on personal grooming: 'By Jove, what's all this fuss about my beard'.
* The Crystal Cathedral: 'Triumph of Architectural Vulgarity'.
* Slamming and Scamming: Benny Hinn on sculptured hairdoos, loud suits and obviousness.
* Hal Lindsey's moustache turns red. A sign that Horseman No. 2 is in transit? AGAIN ?!?!

MOHAMMEDAN NEWS

* Al-Jazeera: Guest analyst quotes Belloc: 'Europe will return to the Faith, or she will perish'. Host coyly smiles, responds: 'It's too late'. Studio erupts into uproarious laughter.
* 'Lights Out': Demographic statistics - bleak future for Europe. Population not reproducing. Islamic immigration at all-time high. Sharia infiltrating. French EU Minister responds: 'Whateverrrrre... Je ne peux pas parler maintenant. Got to run. It's Martini night at Chez Robespierre.'


PAGAN NEWS
* Home demolition and your giant hammer. Smash'n and thrash'n with Thor Svensson, author of 'Creative Vandalism'.
* Self-multilation: How body piercing and tatooing can spice up your sex life. Dr. Markee Desad explains.
* Berkeley Anthropologist, popular author of 'The Superiority of Science in Non-Christian Cultures', in severe condition after car crash. EMTs arrive 74 seconds after MVA, immediately relay vital stats via trunked radio towers. Transported by helicopter to hospital. MRI complete. Top neurosurgeon en route. NASA providing A/V SATCOM link for consultation with medical experts in UK. Wife hopeful, praying to Ra.


GNOSTIC NEWS
* AMERICAN IDOL: Charlatan Deepak Chopra qualifies. Sings: 'I'm... too sexy for Hindus, too sexy for Buddha... Too sexy by far... / And I'm... too sexy for Jihad, too sexy for Jihad, what do you think bout that Baghdad / I'm a model, Bollywood knows what I mean, and I dish out my bulls--t on the catwalk / Yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk yeah, I've scammed every Tom, Dick and Harry on the catwalk'.

SECULAR ATHEIST NEWS
* Rutler v. Hitchens: Round 2. Genius cleric speaks just 3 words, Hitchens vanishes into thin air. Crowd astonished. Rutler victorious.
* Richard Dawkins: 'My mummy didn't breast feed me. Therefore, God does not exist'.
* 'How to bamboozle conservatives: Sociopathological tricks from the philosophy of Ayn Rand'.
* Penn Jillette interview confession: 'Really... I'm an unqualified dick. I have no explanation for my popularity'.

Have a nice day.

MSS / No. 15

MSS / No. 14

JUMP ! FORGET YOUR BLOODY TEA AND CRUMPETS AND JUMP !

LINK



Thank you Our Lady of Walsingham.
Glory be unto thee.

MSS / No. 14

MSS / No. 13

TH2 informs me that he is still locked in transit. I don't believe that for a minute. He's a slacker. So, as usual, I have to fill in and compensate for his laziness.

Because TH2 is the so-called "producer", he has "instructed" me to release my film. Harrumfph! I am an arteeste and do not like to be told what to do. But unfortunately he supplies the money and I must comply.

Accordingly, put on your headphones, turn up the volume and enjoy the show.

Until next time, Catholic peoples... thank you for your cooperation.

MSS / No. 13

AJOTW / No. 3

click to enlarge

VERSUS

ITEM: On the death of Ted Kennedy (radical advocate and perpetuator of abortion), Chris Matthews thrillingly said on his MSNBC program: "Barack Is Now the Last (Kennedy) Brother".

[FADE IN]

[SCENE: Metropolitan Park. Weekday morning. Weather sunny and clear.]

[SITUATION: TH2 sitting on park bench, waiting for you know who. Time passes. His Scampersness arrives.]

TH2: You're always late for appointments.

MR. SCAMPERS: Relax.

TH2: Did ya hear the news? Ted Kennedy is dead.

MR. SCAMPERS: Yup. He's dead.

TH2: He's dead.

MR. SCAMPERS: He's dead.

TH2: He's dead.

MR. SCAMPERS: He sure is dead.

TH2: I think he's dead.

MR. SCAMPERS: Indeed, the evidence shows that he is dead.

TH2: Hell? Purgatory?

MR. SCAMPERS: [silence]

TH2: Remember that meeting in Maine in the mid-1960s? That the Kennedy's had with those apostate priest/theologians?

MR. SCAMPERS: I sure do.

TH2: They convinced the Kennedy clan that it is acceptable to be pro-abortion and Catholic at the same time.

MR. SCAMPERS: Yes. Their names were: Robert Drinan, Richard McCormick, Joseph Fuchs, Giles Milhaven, Charles Curran and Albert Jonsen.

TH2: Explains alot, doesn't it?

MR. SCAMPERS: It sure does, you pathetic excuse for a blogger.

TH2: What ever became of Fr. Robert Drinan?

MR. SCAMPERS: He's dead.

TH2: Richard McCormick ?

MR. SCAMPERS: He's dead.

TH2: Joseph Fuchs?

MR. SCAMPERS: He's dead too.

TH2: The others? Milhaven... Curran... Jonsen?

MR. SCAMPERS: They're getting on in years... old men... they'll soon be dead.

TH2: You're a mean guy, Mr. Scampers... you are one mean dude.

MR. SCAMPERS: Ya, say that to the millions of children slaughtered in the womb on account of that Kennedy kook. Oh! Did I forget to mention Mary Jo?

TH2: [silence]

MR. SCAMPERS: Don't bother me, I have a headache.

TH2: Judging by the size of that head, it's gotta be one big monster headache.

MR. SCAMPERS: Such rapier wit! I thought we came here to discuss Jackass Number 3, Chris Matthews.

TH2: Uh huh. We did. Heard what he said about the Kennedy-Obama relation?

MR. SCAMPERS: Ya. He's still got a woody for that Marxist creep.

TH2: To be sure, my good man. A thriller. Anyway, you got anything in the works for the Catholic peoples?

MR. SCAMPERS: Yes, I do, TH2. I'm thinking... "Graphical Fun with Luther".

TH2: Sounds interesting...

[SITUATION: Mr. Scampers immediately get's up. Says nothing. Walks away into distance. It starts to rain... A day without Mr. Scampers is like a day without sunshine.]

[FADE OUT]

AJOTW / No. 3

MSS / No. 12

The lesson today, Catholic peoples, is this: if you are nun who revels in the spirit of the world, if you are one of those habitless hussies that are in and for the world (instead of living for God), then expect to be treated as such. Do not expect to receive the elevated respect, that extra/special amount of dignity, rightly due to a true Bride of Christ. If you want to be like everyone else, then it is Mr. Scampers sworn duty to castigate you like everyone else. So, once again, for your reading and visual pleasure, may I humbly present...

MR. SCAMPERS' GALLERY OF GOOFY NUNS - PART DEUX: FABULOUS FASHIONISTAS

- OR -

THE AU COUTURE LIFESTYLES OF AN ASSORTMENT OF POLYESTER PRINCESSES

Joan Chittister, OSB (Genus: masculus suspectus). Now girls, nothing says heretical nun like a smoking jacket. Joanie here, lusciously draped in a grey design by Fr. Fruitcake of the Maryknoll Fathers, exudes that aura of manlihood that is needed to blur the distinction between the sexes. The curvlinear collar, the loosely fitted sleeves, the unbuttoned jacket - these emanate that relaxed, "just one of the guys" look. Notice how this is also displayed in her body language: hands clasped with interlocking fingers, receptiveness in the facial expression, and the torso askew to the left, but just a little. Poise, ladies... poise.

Simone Campbell, SSS (Genus: medicus mediocritus). Listen up, girlfriends! The 70s are back, so let's get groovin... Simone, here, is wearing a lavious pink shirt with a spectacular, triangularlized collar. And don't forget to leave that top button undone. Remember, the seventies was a time of openess. Modesty, holiness and humility have nothing to do with being a nun. Oh!, how I miss those groovy days of bell bottoms, free love and gaudy colorations. To complete the package, do what Simone did: get a Carol Brady bouffant... Gooorrrgeouussss. Hair designs by Weakland.

Sandra Schneiders, IHM (Genus: polyesteris maximus). "Simone... pink collar... Yoooouuuu gooooo giiiiirrrrrllll".

Louise Lears, SC (Genus: haereticus perhorridus). Okay okay. Yes, the 70s have always been "back". Then why not try the 80s look? That's what Louise did. Here she poses with a slightly vampirish doo (hair gel optional). New Wave, angular and asymmetrical - a perfect coif for a girls night out at the club and for dancing to the sounds of electronica. "We're gonna have a paaarrty... All night long [all night... all night]. All night long [all night]..." Remember, muffins, silence and solitary prayer is passé. That's soooooooo 50s.

Gail Worcelo, SGM (Genus: venerator terrarum). Chic not for you? Perhaps you are the earthy type? You'd prefer to be in the great outdoors rather than in Perpetual Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament? Well, then, cupcakes - Gail the Weaver has got something for you. As a liturgical dancer, it is imperative that she always look her best. Gail is seen here in a fabulous thinly veiled bluish-green blouse. For added elegance, the sleeves are shortened just below the elbows, but this also has a ultilitarian purpose: it is conducive to freer air flow under the garment. And, by golly, is this needed when Gail is exerting herself whilst frolicking around the altar. Sweat reduction means less deodorant usage girls - and this is perfect when trekking all day through the hot Sun, under the watchful eye of the beloved god, Ra. Add Birkenstocks plus black toenail polish to the package, and you're ready to go.

Mary Kay Camp, IBVM (Genus: stupidus enneagramis). Only one word describes her outfit: HHHHHHAAAAAAAWWWWWWTTTT.

Christine Leyser, IBVM (Genus: malignus proditoris). Now girls, don't you for one minute think that fashion sense is reserved for the younger lasses. Christine breaks all the rules. Here, she is adorned in a beautiful turtleneck sweater. The varying shades of brown and the stripe around the neck draws attention away from that unwanted graying hair aloft, which most of our mature ladies know is so hard to disguise, even with modern advancements in hair coloring. Notice, also, the small broach in the shape of a cross just below her left shoulder. Such a lovely accent to fool people into thinking that you are devoted to Jesus, when in fact "social justice" is your true obsession.

AFTERWORD: When there is a conglomeration of polyester princesses, i.e. when attending a "community gathering" or "conference" addressing such important issues as "The Social Interrelationships Between Dildos and Barbie Dolls: A Case Study in Male Subjugation" (read "ppaaaaarrtteeeeeeeeee") - what to wear? "Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh, what am I going to wear?" Well, the galleria below speaks for itself and will hopefully help (my fav is bottom row, first on the left - sheeeeezzzz deeeeelicious).

Until next time, Catholic peoples, Mr. Scampers bids adieu.

Disclaimer: The Heresy Hunter (TH2) does not necessarily endorse, approve or assent to the ideations, articulations, ruminations, expurgations, cogitations, castigations or depictions as disseminated by Mr. Scampers. Any perceived similarities between views expressed in TH2 postings and the expostulations of Mr. Scampers are purely coincidental.

MSS / No. 12

MSS / No. 11

I'm baaaaaaaack... Bet you thought I was on an extended hiatus? Not so, Catholic peoples. Mr. Scampers is always scoping out the cultural landscape for those enemies of the One, Holy, Apostolic, Roman Catholic Church. TH2 tells me that he's got a "monster post" against a modern day heretic coming soon, whatever the hek that means. But don't take too seriously that smarmy excuse for a blogger. He's a scoundrel and a punk. I'm the brains behind this operation. So, for your reading and visual pleasure, may I humbly present...

MR. SCAMPERS' GALLERY OF GOOFY NUNS

- OR -

THE UNPARALLELED ADVENTURES OF SIX HABITLESS HUSSIES

3rd Inset: Bill Clinton offering a cigar to Chittister.

Joan Chittister, OSB (Genus: masculus suspectus). Goodness gracious... what have we here? Self-promoter, speaker at conferences on irrelevant issues, Aunt Bea look-alike, columnist for the National Catholic Reporter, author of books nobody reads, social justice jet setter, media panderer, theological hussy - what more could one want in a heretical nun? Tell ya what, superfly, keep doing what you're doing and you're headed for Hades. My guess is that St. Benedict wished you were there when the Allies bombed Monte Cassino... and why does Mr. Scampers now have this peculiar urge to play checkers?

3rd Inset: Better keep a lookout Sis, cuz Team-B16 is coming to get ya.

Sandra Schneiders, IHM (Genus: polyesteris maximus). Ahhhh!, Mr. Scampers sees that the Vatican has dispatched a real nun to the US of A so as to "assess the situation" of your habitless hordes. Doesn't look too good, sweet pea. It's ZERO HOUR. But, then again, who except the anti-Catholic intelligentsia listens to your pathetic secularized, spirit-of-the-world bromides. Tell ya what, my polyester-laden muffin, wipe that phony smirk off your face because your heretical cause is fruitless and doomed to failure. The history of the Holy Church is littered with such 5th rate apostates. [helmet tip to the Caveman for the polyester identifier]

3rd Inset: "In the midnight hour, she cried more, more, more... With a rebel yell..."

Joanna Manning (Genus: seditiosus buffoonus). A Canadian catastrophe, feminist fanatic, Billy Idol wanna-be, hipster, a busybody and a barrel of laughs - Manning jumped ship from the Society of the Holy Child in 1970. Ever since this crew cut silver fox, through writings and teaching, has scoured her way through Catholic education, via Stage Left, leaving a trail of disbelief, confusion and hardened hearts. Surprise! Surprise! Manning is involved with United Nations NGOs, liberal "Catholic" clubs and other pantywaist associations. Who would of thunk it? Listen up, girlfriend: some guy named Screwtape keeps calling me and saying that he is "very much looking forward to seeing you". Sleep well, cupcake.

3rd Inset: The Sisters of Sion. What a bunch of happy gals. Talk about pathetic snorefest.

Mary Jo Leddy (Genus: rusticus vulgaris). Yet another de-nunified tragedy from the Great White North. Leddy is a Hannah Arendt wanna-be... you know: the type of army-surplus-store dressing nun who desperately wants to “get involved”. She was a founder of the now defunct newspaper Catholic New Times, a Marxist tabloid that published everything from liberation theology to New Age crapola. Alas, in 2000 she left the "Sisters of Sion" (see inset photo) because "vocation is where your heart is". Sigh... She is now lost and wandering through the bowels leftist academia. Boring, droll, irrelevant and a bad bouffant to boot - this poor creature is now fading into her self-created darkness.

3rd Inset: If you only knew how ridiculous you appear. Ignorance is bliss, I guess.

Gail Worcelo, SGM (Genus: venerator terrarum). Gaia goofball, weaver, liturgical dancer, pantheist and pagan nature worshipper - this excuse for a nun resides at the "Green Mountain Monastery" in the socialistic forests of Vermont. An elusive beast, she is only sighted at dawns early light. There you will find her wallowing in mud pools, gnawing on tree bark, foraging grubs, chasing butterflies and occasionally sniffing the anus of a wandering and rather astonished teddy bear. She is identified by her enigmatic call, which goes: "ka ka ka coo coo ou la la". This malicious breed is a favorite target of heresy hunters.

3rd Inset: Yell all you want my scraggly-haired apostate. Doesn't matter. You dun evil.

Christine Leyser, IBVM (Genus: malignus proditoris). This habitless heretic was made a Member of the Order of Canada for her social work. Outwardly it appears an honor to receive, but really the recipients have mainly been politically correct leftist-liberal brown nosers. This award was gratefully received by Leysner at the same time that it was awarded to Canada's most notorious abortionist, Henry Morgentaler. She was presented it by Governor General Michaëlle Jean (another CBC Fabianist), whom she is seen kissing in the inset photo, just like Judas' betraying kiss to Our Lord. Tell ya what, pumpkin: Have a nice hot meal and a warm glass of milk before retiring tonight. Mr. Scampers is glad to see that your conscious is clear.

Disclaimer: The Heresy Hunter (TH2) does not necessarily endorse, approve or assent to the ideations, articulations, ruminations, expurgations, cogitations, castigations or depictions as disseminated by Mr. Scampers. Any perceived similarities between views expressed in TH2 postings and the expostulations of Mr. Scampers are purely coincidental.

MSS / No. 11