DISPATCH FROM THE DEPTHS

It is better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.

– John Milton, Paradise Lost

This blogger received an anonymous e-mail with a "dispatch" as an attachment. The sender indicated that the document was "acquired from the ether", whatever that means. Nevertheless, most interesting revelations are delineated therein. It is reproduced below for the reader's perusal.

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21 March 4.54 Ga Anno Tellus

Dear Venerable Bishops, Priests and Religious of the Dominion of Canada:

DSP NO.: CAN666–SPRT–V2–H3LL–1Z-GR8
RE: Ongoing Canadian Apostasy

Now I know not all of you believe in me or, if so, take little notice of me (hey, no problem), but it has come to my attention, via one of my grovelling minions, that I should impart a "shout out" to my Canadian confreres. As you probably know, I have been tremendously busy in other parts of my globe and, admittedly, have not devoted much time to my campaign in the Land of Snow and Ice. Today, I just garnered a significant victory in the USA, however my first priority is dealing with this new guy from Bavaria. What a menace! Figured I solved the whole German thing 500 years ago with that Augustinian monk. What is it, 30000+ sects at last count? But now there is this "Panzer Pope" - and he is starting to upset my plans. The Anglican thing, Orthodox unification in the works, liturgical "reform", that investigation into my darling polyester princesses, and so forth. Anyhoo, I won't bore you with details. Back to the matter at hand.

Recently, I have received numerous communiqués from my agents in my territory ascribed "true north, strong and free", and am quite elated after reading their variegated disseminations. Excluding those relatively few "orthodox" ones (scum), I would like to proffer my utmost thanks to y'all. Honourable mentions to the following Canucks:

• Thank you Fr. Thomas Rosica. You're doing remarkable work at Salt + Lite TV. Even better, I was overflowing with glee when, subsequent to the Kennedy funeral, you issued that blog post vilifying those so-called "agents of life", arguing that they are the causation "of division, destruction, hatred, vitriol, judgment and violence", that Catholic bloggers express "a new form of self–righteousness, condemnation and gnosticism". Absolutely love it! And when Junior came to your aid - that "fair" and "neutral" guy [wink] - I was more enthralled. Liked the Sirius Radio interview too. Excellent follow up. Good work, Tommy. You're going places. Do I hear bishop?

• Thank you Archbishop James Weisgerber. As with your homeboy Rosica, I commend you for your assault on Catholic bloggers. Especially for this beauty in your interview with my buddies at the Catholic Register: "These bloggers who claim to be more Catholic than anyone - I think first of all they’re not part of the church, they’re not Catholic in the sense that they have no mandate, they have no authority, they have no accountability. And they speak very, very definitively about what it means to be Catholic, and they’re followed by so many people.” Hey, do you know a guy named Alinsky? You sound just like him. Now I know why they call you the "Weismeister". Diminish them to zero, make them as nothing, everything they propound is nonsense, nil. Exactly what wretched humans are! Anyway, this whole D+P/abortion thing will soon blow over. Don't worry about "facts" and that "evidence". I'm taking care of that. Already, I've got ZENIT refusing to give LifeSite News advertising space, and they're letting some S+L "producer" write on the D+P matter (he he he he...).

• Thank you Fr. Michael Prieur. I greatly admire your work in the "material cooperation" with me, and for your perversion of impressionable minds at St. Peters Seminary in London, Ontario, by way of your ethical "proportionalism". Fabulous. I am especially satisfied with your allowance, support and endorsement of these: tubal ligation for contraception "for the greater good", "early inductions" (like the abortion euphemism, why didn't I think of that?), and embryonic stem cell research. Unholy smokes, Prieur! All this work you do - writing, reporting, teaching, advising, consulting. You're like a machine. A death machine... and IIIIIIII like that.

• Thank you Archbishop Thomas Collins. I was unsure about you at first upon instalment, but you have turned out to be one of those middle-of-the-road guys. Hey, lukewarm is alright with me. No probs. Confirmation of your alrightness occurred when, in reaction to the H1N1 "pandemic", you issued that "communication" to "temporarily suspend communion of the tongue". You did this despite Redemptionis Sacramentum, wherein it states:"each of the faithful always has the right to receive Holy Communion on the tongue". You also ignored epidemiologists and used media hype as an excuse. But what I really loved about your issuance was how you didn't bother to capitalize the "c" in the word "communion" and not affix that despicable word "holy" before it. Brilliant! Oh... and another thing: one of your "media partners" at the Toronto Archdiocese, namely the ever reliable National Catholic Broadcasting Council (NCBC), is sponsoring a television broadcast by my sassy blue bombshell, Sr. Joan Chittister. She's such a muffin, doing spectacular work for our cause. Unlike other bishops/dioceses that disavowed her presence and promulgations in their respective domains, you have done well by remaining silent about her upcoming program. I thrive in noise, but I am also happy when bishops remain silent. I was also advised that a poster for this event was put up in many parishes. Good work.

• Last but not least - thank you Canadian Conference of Catholic Bishops. My dearest Star Chamber, my beloved band of bishocrats, how I am so proud of you guys. Your bloated officialdom, your glacial responses to crises in the church, your nonchalant denials of evidences betraying corruption within your ranks, your implicit socialism, your ever so subtle advocacy of nature worship, your innumerably babbling babybooming-hippie handlers, your ambiguities and superfluities - a delectable cornucopia of heresy and apostasy. Wonderful! There are so many things about you I want to praise. It would take volumes! A recent pleasure for me was your invitation to "Tricky Ricky" to speak at your recent Plenary Assembly. You even went so far as to defend him at your website after some pesky blogger identified him as a heretic. But most of all, Venerable Brothers, I am eternally grateful, to the bottom of my blackened heart, for your continued, absolute, total, utter and unmitigated defiance in refusing to retract the Winnipeg Statement. For 40+ years now, this brilliant assault against that Peter imposter has led "Catholic" Canadians down the road of antinomian depravity, winning me multitudinous souls. Next stop: Societal Annihilation. Thank you. Thank you.

There are many more of you I wish to thank, but I am under a time restriction as regards my ruination of humanity. Catch you guys on the flipside... if you know what I mean [nudge nudge].

I am not ever your humble servant. Yours in Myself,

OFFICIAL INSIGNIA

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DISPATCH FROM THE DEPTHS