20 November 2009

MSS / No. 15

The other day yours truly was attempting to read yet another one of TH2's insufferably long snorefest posts when I thought to myself: "There's gotta be a better way to get heretical news and information out to the Catholic peoples. This guy is a verbose buffoon. At least increase the font size or doublespace the lines just do some thing." But, alas, TH2 is a hopeless case; and, as usual, Mr. Scampers has to take up the slack and compensate for the circumlocutory irrelevancies of this boob.

Thus Mr. Scampers entered into a deep state of rumination...

For hours upon hours I thought and thought. My mind was in constant motion. I burned the midnight oil. I walked the city streets. And I went to a Starbucks so as to annoy its clientele. "Hey buddy", I said to some avant
guardlooking individual whilst sipping his mochalatte, "get a job! Ooooooohhh you got a laptop there, so you must be an important person. Ooooohhhh and I see that your reading Alinsky's Rules for Radicals. Deeeeep stuuuuff. Let me tell ya something punk: Have ya ever heard of Duns Scotus' notion of haecceitas? Eh? Have ya punk? No? Too complicated? Uh? I can't hear ya. Guess who I am? Saul Alinsky. Get it? Hellllloooo, McFly, hellllloooooo....."

The next morning, after TH2 paid my bond and drove me back from the county jail, it hit me like a speeding bus full of people on its way to a Fr. Corapi retreat: "NEWS AGGREGATOR!", I bellowed, "Just hot links to heretical news and information. That's what the Catholic peoples need".

So I went to work, and what you see below is the beta version, with quotes and headlines from recent news events. Much care was taken in selecting the graphics. Simple but visually informative. I hope you like it. Feedback welcome.

Until next time, Catholic peoples, Auf Wiedersehen.


Fr. Greeley releases another cheeseball novel: 'Happy are the Heretics'
Oprah notices. 'Book Club' potential.

* 'Byyyyye byyyyye. So long Jesus; hello spirit of the world
'. By John McLaughlin.
* 'Have we betrayed our order's founder? Naaaaaaaahhhhh... Ignatius Schmignatius'.
* 'Robert Drinan: Hell or Purgatory? An Inquiry

* 'Lay Catholics: We are Church. We are the World. To hell with the Pope'.
* 'Adventures in Heresy: Looking for every single way, every bloody excuse, every scriptural anomaly, every mercurial qualifier, every twist in logic, to demonstrate that Catholicism is a 2000-year-old farce'.
* E-MAIL RCVD: 'Listen up, here. I'm the Devil or Satan or the Morning Star or whatever you want to call me. And let me tell you something: Even I want nothing to do with this periodical'.

* 'Hilton, Spears, Lohan: Lessons for your teenage daughter from the fabulous Three Amigas'.
* 'We're all about Activism, Environmentalism and Social Justice... Oops, and the rest of that so-called Catholic stuff, like Tradition and the Magisterium'.

* Sr. Joan Chittister performs Ethel Merman: 'There's no business like show business, like no business I know'. Off-Broadway play in the works. Lloyd Webber 'interested'.
* John L. Allen, Jr.: 'Moving Target - How to appear unbiased, faithful and fool a lot of people at the same time'.

'The Proper Insertion of Suppositories. An in-depth analysis'.
* EDITOR REVELATION! Quote: 'I mean... come on, people. We here at The Pill are just fooling ourselves now. Blast! that Damian Thompson'.
* Praise for 'The Tablet' from Screwtape: 'A delicious read'. 'You said it, Uncle', echoes Wormwood. 'Shut your trap you loathesome vermin', retorts Screwtape.

* Editorial: 'Oh, yes, were pro-life and we acknowledge Church Tradition, but those are back-burner things. Sheesshh. We'd rather concentrate on and overemphasize health care, petty politiking, false ecumenism, education, liberation movements, climate change, environmentalism, local celebrities and other secular banalities'.
* Michael Swan: 'Obscure heretical priests and nuns: 10 Fabianist reasons why I almost always quote them in my reports'.

* Fr. Ron Rolheiser / In Exile: 'Can't we all just get along; the fallacy of truth'.
* Joe Gunn / 'Social Justice Jobs: How to get paid for doing nothing'.

* MISSING. Whereabouts of nun unknown. Last seen entering New Age labyrinth. Search underway. Enneagram profiler contacted.
* SHOCK. Pantsuit catches fire. Investigators blame highly flammable polyester. Schneiders recovering.

* Cornwall, ON - 2009 Plenary Assembly Complete. Bishops claim 'success', 'advancement'.

* Accomplishments: Stationary design approved, secular nic-nac issue resolved.
* Shadow of 'Winnipeg Statement' still looms. 800-pound gorilla celebrates 41st birthday - very old, unable to control bowels. Mess. Bishops ignore.

* Baltimore, MD - 2009 Plenary Assembly Complete. New Missal Approved.
* Trautman dissents, attempts maneuver, loses voice. Tonsillitis. Unable to appeal.
* Celebrations commence at Vatican. Ticker-tape parade in Piazza.
* Child overjoyed, says: 'ab abusu ad usum non valet consequentia... cuiusvis hominis est errare, nullius nisi insipientis in errore perseverare'.

* 'The Menace of Catholic Bloggers: A call for silence'. By Fr. Thomas Rosica.
* 'Ladder-Climbing: How to Become a Bishop'. Fr. Rosica explains. Today's lesson: Unobstrusive brown nosing.
* Interview: Fr. Rosica speaks w/Abp. Weisgerber
. Topic: 'The Banning of Bloggers: An Alinskian Approach'.
* It's the Father Tom Show! Tonight he sings: 'It's my network, and I'll cry if I want to'.
* The News with Fr. Thomas Rosica. Lead Story: Father Tom has a snack.

[All programs written, directed, produced, choreographed, designed, realized, conceptualized,
hosted, edited and engineered by Fr. Thomas Rosica - underwritten by the CCCB]

* 'Anal Retention: How to get that baseball bat out of your ass. Proctologist explains'.

* 'Dissimulating Authentic Catholicism: Pretending to stand the higher ground, with lessons from Bono'.
* 'On being a pseudo-intellectual snob: Ambiguity, nonchalant name dropping, trendy blog headers and other meaningless crap'.

* Rowan Williams on personal grooming: 'By Jove, what's all this fuss about my beard'.
* The Crystal Cathedral: 'Triumph of Architectural Vulgarity'.
* Slamming and Scamming: Benny Hinn on sculptured hairdoos, loud suits and obviousness.
* Hal Lindsey's moustache turns red. A sign that Horseman No. 2 is in transit? AGAIN ?!?!


* Al-Jazeera: Guest analyst quotes Belloc: 'Europe will return to the Faith, or she will perish'. Host coyly smiles, responds: 'It's too late'. Studio erupts into uproarious laughter.
* 'Lights Out': Demographic statistics - bleak future for Europe. Population not reproducing. Islamic immigration at all-time high. Sharia infiltrating. French EU Minister responds: 'Whateverrrrre... Je ne peux pas parler maintenant. Got to run. It's Martini night at Chez Robespierre.'

* Home demolition and your giant hammer. Smash'n and thrash'n with Thor Svensson, author of 'Creative Vandalism'.
* Self-multilation: How body piercing and tatooing can spice up your sex life. Dr. Markee Desad explains.
* Berkeley Anthropologist, popular author of 'The Superiority of Science in Non-Christian Cultures', in severe condition after car crash. EMTs arrive 74 seconds after MVA, immediately relay vital stats via trunked radio towers. Transported by helicopter to hospital. MRI complete. Top neurosurgeon en route. NASA providing A/V SATCOM link for consultation with medical experts in UK. Wife hopeful, praying to Ra.

* AMERICAN IDOL: Charlatan Deepak Chopra qualifies. Sings: 'I'm... too sexy for Hindus, too sexy for Buddha... Too sexy by far... / And I'm... too sexy for Jihad, too sexy for Jihad, what do you think bout that Baghdad / I'm a model, Bollywood knows what I mean, and I dish out my bulls--t on the catwalk / Yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk yeah, I've scammed every Tom, Dick and Harry on the catwalk'.

* Rutler v. Hitchens: Round 2. Genius cleric speaks just 3 words, Hitchens vanishes into thin air. Crowd astonished. Rutler victorious.
* Richard Dawkins: 'My mummy didn't breast feed me. Therefore, God does not exist'
* 'How to bamboozle conservatives: Sociopathological tricks from the philosophy of Ayn Rand'.
* Penn Jillette interview confession: 'Really... I'm an unqualified dick. I have no explanation for my popularity'.

Have a nice day.



Anita Moore said...


Favorite line: Penn Jillette, the long-haired side of pork, giving away another magician trade "secret."

Al said...

Glad to see Scampers finally decided to do something. He did a good job of summarizing the heretical drivel in those publications.

Re the Rolheiser column: Saw that 1 refered to above in the DBQ Archdiocesan newspaper, the Wit-less, & took a glance. I would describe his rantings as the Syllabus for Relativism 101.

As for the DrInan article, I suspect that from his 1st hand info he finally admits Hell is real.

Mary said...

I'd LOVE to see a Rutler vs. Dawkins!

TH2 said...

Round 1: Rutler v. Hitchens (2007) can be found here (2/3 down): http://www.takimag.com/site/article/hitchens_unhinged_part_i/

Mary said...

Thanks, TH2. If only Dawkins could manage a dash of humility, he would be powerless against Fr. Rutler's prayers for his conversion.

Anita Moore said...

Looking this over again and laughing again. By the way: where did you get the animated gumball machine and how do you upload it and still keep the animation going?

TH2 said...

Hi Anita: Yes, there is a prob w/blogger re: embedding animated graphics. This is what was done:

FIRSTLY: This is where TH2 learned about how to do it:


Look for subtitle: "Add Animated Graphics in Blog Posts"

THERE IS A GENERIC LINE OF CODE HERE... copy it to your desired post. (Blogger will not let this code be added to this comment w/o an error)

(1) Opened up account in photobucket.com, (2) searched for animated graphic needed, in this case the Drudge siren, (3) there is an embedding link which you will see, (4) copy this link and substitute with "IMAGE URL" in the code line (at the article)

FOR THIS post:
(1) alt='Description" was set as alt=""
(2) Set border, width and height to your preferences

Hope this helps.

Post a Comment